Can I kick it? No, you can't.

The War on Happy New Year

Something insidious is at work, and I didn't really even notice it at first. The new year is a week old, and I've written checks for various things, as we all do. Incredibly, not once have I written "2005" in the date slot. This is unprecedented with me, and perhaps with all check-writing humans. Why am I so acutely aware that it's 2006? How could I have adapted so quickly?

I went about my business, not giving it a lot of thought, and likely giving myself far too much credit for being oh-so-smart. I do that sometimes.

But as I was finishing up at work yesterday, I was wrapping up a phone call, and the person on the other end concluded the call by saying, "Happy 2006!"

The phrase echoed through my mind, like a really bad simile. "Happy 2006." Yes, it's 2006. I had heard this phrase a lot in the previous days, and it occurred to me that I had heard it around the start of previous years.

"Happy 2005!"

"Happy 2004!"

You get the idea.

And out of the blue, it hit me: This was a war on Happy New Year.

America is falling apart, we're at war, real wages are down, 45 million people don't have health insurance, and the multi-culti, neo-hippie liberal godless scum were waging a PC war on the start of the year. The blood ran cold through my veins.

I called a number at random, and when the person answered, I yelled, "Happy New Year!" The man at the other end screamed at me and slammed down the phone. "Maybe I just accidentally called the president of the local ACLU," I thought. I kept calling random numbers, hour after hour, until three or four in the morning, and the response was the same, or worse.

"It's 2006! We know! What is wrong with you?"

The media had done a nearly flawless job of brainwashing regular Americans with this "Happy 2006" blasphemy. There can be no other explanation for the continued, and increasingly hostile responses I have received as I continue to scream "Happy New Year!" while walking around the neighborhood or visiting local elder care facilities.

This is far too important to just give in to PC thugs, and I vow to continue greeting friends and strangers alike with gleeful shouts of "Happy New Year!" well into the summer months. Howard Dean and Hillary Clinton are not going to rob this American of another joyous celebration.

If you don't like it, move to France.

Saturday, January 07, 2006