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Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Say It

Hillary Clinton gives her speech tonight to the Democratic National Convention in Denver. Apparently, a number of people who voted for her in the primaries are so angry that Barack Obama stole the nomination from her by getting more votes, that they have vowed to vote for John McCain in November.

If Hillary does not persuade these people to vote for Obama, she will all but have committed treason. If Obama loses this election because so-called Clinton Democrats can't vote for the black guy who agrees with them on nearly everything, instead of the old white guy who doesn't agree with them on anything, then she should quit the Democratic party, and henceforth be considered as poisonous where progressive politics are concerned. Joe Lieberman with a vagina.

The Clintons and their flying monkey advisers completely laid out the road map for McCain's people to try and tear down Obama. She and McCain have so much experience, and how dare Barack Obama jump to the head of the line when it's her turn to be president?

Hillary tonight, and Bill tomorrow. Both of them owe Barack Obama enormous apologies for running such a negative campaign, and also owe him the best damned speeches of their political careers. Anything even remotely half-assed or disingenuous will be remembered for what it is: An attempt to help McCain defeat Obama so that Hillary can run for the presidency in 2012.

The American people don't owe either of you a damned thing. You work for us. You aren't royalty, and any shine you had from before has long since faded. Get your man elected, and stop making the country a worse place for the rest of us just to get through your megalomaniacal to-do list.

This is bigger than you. It's bigger than all of us. Quit being Clintons, and try being Americans.

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posted at 4:35 PM

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Thursday, August 07, 2008
The Best Defense

We are less than ninety days from Election Day, the conventions start in just a few weeks, and for obvious reasons, this thing is still close. We have an outgoing president with a 23% approval rating, an electorate polling at 81% who think the country is on the wrong track, and yet, the candidate in the race who agrees with this deeply unpopular dancing cornhole is still within the margin of error.

"Obvious reasons? Really? Like what?"

Here's where I have to be delicate. Everyone knows why Obama is just barely outpolling McCain. But everyone also knows that people don't like being called racist. They also don't like being called fat, stupid or ugly. People like to think the best of themselves, but we all still have crappy things inside us that aren't really part of our better nature.

Come up with whatever reason you want to justify voting for the guy who promises to give oil companies even bigger tax breaks while you are paying record prices for gasoline and heating oil. Maybe winter won't come ever again and none of this will matter.

But I know that if you aren't rich, you're probably some flavor of cracker, whether you know it or not. Barack Hussein Obama is a black guy! Double-whammy.

I have to give him credit, he's been standing up pretty well to the Rovian attacks by McCain's flying monkeys. Obama's responses have been rapid, and right on point. They have routinely shattered any veneer of credibility that McCain's ads or slurs may have seemed to have. But the Democrats are still, to put it delicately, giant pussies. They don't want to sink into the muck.

You know what's down in that muck, Poindexter? Victory.

It's time, past time, really, to start shelling out that huge bankroll, and start launching bombs at the McCain campaign. For starters, stick to the facts. If you're going to get into a knife fight, you can at least feel somewhat decent if you're eviscerating your opponent with the truth. Just show video after video of McCain in 2000 saying something sensible, and then show McCain in 2008 saying the opposite. There's enough material to keep ads like this on the air and fresh for months.

Then, just get nasty.

Talk about how old McCain is, and how he smells like a pig's balls wrapped in a sweatsock and left under the radiator. Take note of how he finished fourth from the bottom of his cadet class, and only got into the Naval Academy because his daddy was an admiral. Discuss how the candidate of the Family Values party ditched his first wife for the beauty queen/beer heiress. (On the other hand, it's kind of hard to imagine a better pairing of characteristics in a woman. This may actually improve McCain's image.) Demand an answer to why McCain voted against SCHIP, and ask him why he hates American children. Insinuate that he "went gay" while imprisoned in North Vietnam, and he got shot down on purpose merely to satisfy his need for hot sex with VietCong guerillas.

I feel a little silly giving away solid campaign strategy like this for free, but I don't mind. I just want to do good.

Do what you wish with my big ideas, Senator Obama. The people who own this country resent your intrusion into their little club, and the only way you're going to get in to it is to swing a much bigger club. You are dealing with people that will do anything to hang on to their power, and as you've noted, you don't look like the people on the currency. No one with any sense doubts you are the better candidate, and the best hope to get America back on the trajectory to greatness.

Those things will not be enough. You are going to have to destroy John McCain. Get to it. Time is short, and there's too much at stake. Sir, your eldest daughter will be draft-eligible before the end of a second McCain term.

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posted at 9:37 PM

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Sunday, August 03, 2008
Refelections On Being Number One

I am pretty impressed with myself that as we get closer to our election here in the US, I seem to be less and less interested in writing about it. I still seem to be talking about it with others a great deal, which, I hope, shows a high level of interest by the citizenry.

But for some reason, I just don't feel like writing.

It's not as if I don't get animated about the campaigns. McCain in particular has really just been remarkably inept, usually to the point of ridiculous. Honestly, you spend months goading Obama about how he hasn't been to Iraq or Afghanistan, and then when he goes, meets foreign leaders (who have the temerity to be impressed with the man), and spends time with the troops, including a helicopter flight with General David Petraeus, you counter this self-inflicted wound by being photographed in a golf cart with President Bush's dad, and hanging out in the cheese aisle of the Foodway?
















It's pretty spectacular campaigning, but at least he's appealing to his base, septuagenarians who aren't lactose intolerant, and former presidents of the United States who are not legally dead.

Oh, wait, I forgot some other hot stops.



The Fudge Haus. Laugh if you want, but they are also under the same roof as The Sausage Haus, and it was smart of McCain to remind voters of his strong foreign policy experience. Not sure why he picked a German theme, but hey, experience is experience, even if these restaurants are in Ohio. I wonder why his campaign picked the German Village in Columbus, Ohio, maybe...

Oh, hell.


OK, so the McCain campaign decided to counter an impressive Obama moment in Berlin. I'm honestly not sure how you would go about that, but I'm pretty sure I wouldn't do anything that reminded the American people that my opponent was beating my ass like a drum.

Frank Rich, who does exceptionally for the New York Times what I do here very poorly, observed that "many American children have never before seen huge crowds turn out abroad to wave American flags instead of burn them."

I really believe there is value in that for this country and its citizens.

I'm the last person to give a damn about the opinion of others. When Europe sat on its ass for centuries while the Balkans caught fire periodically, the US led efforts to try and settle a problem that Europeans should have solved for themselves. We were right to do that, and I'm sure it rubbed some people the wrong way. When America does what's right, the rest of the world can get on board, or get left behind.

When America fucks up collossally, people turn on us. As they should. And our failures would make the world laugh mightily if we weren't so big that we end up sucking other countries down the drain with us. If I could think of any examples, I'd mention them.


This country needs a leader to inspire Americans, and also the rest of the world. You can't make everyone happy, and you shouldn't even try, but when you're stuck in a hole, you should stop digging.

I'm not saying that John McCain is a shovel, but he sure seems to be getting most of his political advise from a bunch of tools.

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posted at 7:29 PM

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