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Wednesday, September 24, 2008
BWAHAHA

This is how Midwesterners tell you to go fark yourself:





posted at 8:32 PM

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Monday, September 22, 2008
The Financial Patriot Act

Here we go again.

The earth has shaken, confidence is shattered, and once again, brave people are entreating their hated government to "do anything you have to, but SAVE US!"

In September of 2001, terrorists wreaked a cataclysmic event, killing in one day as many Americans as die on US roads in one month. The nation, unable to keep its perspective, lost its mind, and begged to be saved at any cost.

Six weeks later, George W. Bush signed the so-called USA Patriot Act, quite likely the single worst piece of legislation ever excreted by American politicians. This act gave the government unprecedented and unconstitutional powers to spy on American citizens without judicial approval, and brought us ethically to a level with third-rate authoritarian regimes throughout history.

Fast-forward to 2008. The Treasury Secretary, after telling us for 18 months a story about national fiscal strength, has decreed in light of recent titanic failures on Wall Street, that the American people need to give him $700 billion dollars to bail out a culture of carrion-eating scum that have left the economy teetering on the brink of collapse.

Do anything you have to do, BUT SAVE US!

Secretary Paulson has asked not just for $700 billion dollars, which is kind of a ballsy move all by itself. He also insists there be no oversight, be it legislative or judicial, and no consequences should everything fall apart. There should also be no limits on executive pay because that might discourage companies from selling their debt to the Treasury.

The American taxpayer has to be nice to the greediest scum in the history of the planet, or they won't sell us their debt.

Let them opt out. Let us further add in provisions to recover executive bonuses totaling into the billions. Let's treat them like drug traffickers, and confiscate what has been purchased with these obscene payouts.

"No time!" the smart people say. "That's pre-9/14 thinking, before Lehman Brothers fell like the twin towers. Do what we tell you, we'll handle the details, just keep being the most productive workers on the planet, and try not to think about it."

Unlike the Patriot Act, I want some people to read this thing before it's enacted, and I want them to fix the parts of it that are fouled up, including the parts that make failure highly profitable. Then add what's necessary, and make sure there is oversight from all three branches. If a plan can't be crafted to allow all of this, then just let the damned thing crash, because there isn't any point in trying to save a system that can't be overseen by a legally elected government.

This isn't going to be easy. It shouldn't be easy. If everyone doesn't feel some pain on this one, no one is going to learn a thing.

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posted at 8:12 PM

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Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Hail To The Chieftess

We are seven weeks from a historic (not "an historic, morons) election. For the first time in the history of this country, a black man has been nominated for the top spot, and also for the first time, the Republicans have put a woman on the ticket for vice president. The polls are all very close, and anyone who claims to know what's going to happen is full of crap.

Speaking as one who is full of crap, if I had a gun to my head, and my life depended on picking the winner of the election, I would have to say McCain/Palin. I'm not thrilled by this idea, but at the moment, I think it's likely. Hopefully, the next seven weeks will be instructive to the American voter as to what the candidates are about, and who they're in bed with.

Assuming I'm right, John McCain will be sworn in as president next January. Assuming actuarial tables are right, Sarah Palin will be sworn in as president at some point after that. I'm not being morbid here, it's simply that John McCain, statistically speaking, has nearly reached his life expectancy. Voting for McCain is, in reality voting for Sarah Palin to be president, if not on January 20th, at some point in the future.

I do not mention this to scare the hell out of you. I am merely amused that the first female President of the United States is very likely not going to be Hillary Clinton. And that it's largely Hillary's own fault.

Hillary Clinton has spent most of the last two years attempting to frighten people on the subject of Barack Obama. He's inexperienced! He's like Jesse Jackson! He's the son of a single mother on food stamps and an elitist! And, Senator Clinton, is Barack Obama a Muslim?

"Not as far as I know."

Fuck you, Hillary.

The upshot of her disgusting campaign is largely that it provided John McCain with a blueprint on how to attack Barack Obama in the general election campaign. Now to be fair, McCain is fighting a far dirtier campaign, not even bothering to consider the truth when giving speeches or buying campaign advertising. Even the imbecile lapdog media has noticed that most of what the McCain camp is saying is utterly false, but Senator McCain, the man I'd have enthusiastically voted for eight years ago, doesn't give a damn. He just wants to win, and he's even got Karl Rove, the man who trashed McCain's reputation in South Carolina in 2000, on his payroll.

Just win, grandpa.

He may win, again thanks to the groundwork laid by the Clintons. If McCain does win, and Palin does ascend to the presidency, her inadequacies will be made horrifyingly apparent. America will go another fifty years without seriously considering a female candidate for president. Hillary Clinton will reap what she has sown, and will leave as her legacy nothing more than being the strongly feminist first lady who didn't leave her husband after he cheated on her in front of the entire world.

Get off of your ass, Hillary. Start figuring out how you're going to get Barack Obama elected president, or get comfortable with the idea that your moment, the only thing that has mattered to you in the last thirty years, the thing that you feel is your right, will never happen. Sarah Palin will be the first female president, and you'll be Lady Bird Johnson.

It's your legacy, stupid.

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posted at 11:19 AM

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Monday, September 01, 2008
Whiskey Tango

A lot of people have been talking non-stop about John McCain's vice-presidential pick, and with good reason. She's a woman. She's good-looking. She's got no experience. She has a baby with Down's Syndrome. Her husband is part Eskimo. She shoots guns, but never at fetuses. She's a fundamentalist Christian. And these are just her political stances. What about Sarah Palin's life outside of politics, which is to say, 98% of who she is?

The big rumor this week was that her infant son may have actually been her 17 year-old daughter's kid, and the governor claimed it was her own to avoid stigmatizing young Bristol. Utterly ridiculous, a mean-spirited allegation, and impossible, seeing as how the sweet young Palin girl is already five months pregnant. This would be a crass time to mention that abstinence-based sexual education for teenagers might not be all that effective, so I won't.

But even with this revelation, McCain is still a genius.

The key to winning an election is getting more votes (US Presidential elections, notwithstanding), and you have to appeal to large blocs of people. Soccer moms, NASCAR dads, auto-erotic asphyxiation uncles, you name it. By selecting Sarah Palin, John McCain has sent an online greeting card to the most massive group in America: White trash.

Who relates better to statuatory rape and shotgun weddings? With any luck, young Bristol could marry her teenage groom in the Rose Garden at the White House in January 2009! What a fantastic way to let the country and the world know that we've moved beyond regular guy hillbilly presidents, and just given up entirely by putting the people we see involved in domestic abuse calls on COPS into our vice-presidential mansion.

You can hope it ends up all cool and hip like Juno, but that's not how they spell it in Alaska.

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posted at 11:26 PM

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