Driving to work is it's usual frustrating experience, because due to overpopulation and the economic boom during the Clinton years, there are just too many cars out there. It's not an issue of having to share the road...Oh, of course it is. When they bring a matter transporter to market, I'm buying one. I hate commuting. It'd be so nice to walk to work, but we don't do that here, because employers never build their offices/workspaces in areas that their workers can afford to live.

So, I see a lot as I drive around, at least when my mind isn't clouded with rage. One recurring theme is Calvin (of the late, great Calvin & Hobbes comic strip) urinating on things. He pees on Ford. He pees on Chevy. I assume this is some sort of brand-loyalty NASCAR-related beef, but I don't really care enough to find out. Just the other day, I saw a Toyota with Calvin taking a whiz on a Honda logo. This person is just desperate to fit in. Calvin also pees on Osama bin Laden from time to time, and my guess is, there are local, state and regional instances of Calvin urinating on rival high schools, professional sports franchises, and perhaps even pissing on a urinalysis test, to show disdain for the war on drugs. I've not seen it, but that's only because irony is dead.

And I don't really care. I mean, if you're fired up enough about something to
have a cartoon character take a whiz on it, well, I'm sure glad I'm behind you instead of in front of you.

I also see a lot of Jesus fish on cars. Most of the time, they're doing 10 mph below the speed limit, but I still see them as I pass. These spawned the Darwin fish with legs, which was kind of an amusing take on it, yet still not inspiring enough for me to want one. Now what cracks me up, is turn-the-other-cheek so-called Christian types felt compelled to respond with the ever-larger Jesus fish with "TRUTH" on the side, eating the Darwin fish. I was not surprised when I saw these, given the insecure nature of Christians in general.

I will reiterate, this is an insecure religion. They recruit, because only in numbers do they feel that right is on their side. They shout down opposing viewpoints at every opportunity. It's not enough for you to believe in God, but you'd better buy into Jesus as well. I don't need any middlemen in my communion with the universe. But that's not where I wanted to go with this.

How come you see so many Jesus fish, and Jesus Loves You stickers and the like, but the magnetic ribbons all say "GOD bless the USA" or "our troops" or "President Bush?" Jesus is lord, but he is also God's son, so is it the same thing or isn't it? Doesn't this duality water down the message somewhat? I mean, which is it? God? Or Jesus? And why not Allah, Adonai, Vishnu or Buddah?

Anyway, I'm still in my car, where I often see Calvin kneeling reverently before a cross. Having read Calvin & Hobbes, I always found our hero to be more of a hedonist, but that's my take. Are the people with these stickers practitioners of Calvinism (the Christian sect)? Or is it that we'll just put any stupid thing we can find on our cars if we think it will ward off evil spirits and get people to think we're reverent? And what of Calvin's creator, Bill Watterson? Does he approve of Calvin urinating and genuflecting? And more importantly, is he getting a piece of the action?

I remember several years ago when these praying Calvin stickers started showing up, and a friend of mine asked me what I thought about them, seeing as how I have an opinion on EVERYTHING. Well, my initial response was, "I'll bet he didn't see that coming." I don't know why I said it, but he cracked up. It was my honest reaction though.

I don't have any bumper stickers on my car, and I'm not sure why. To me, using your car's bumper to tell the world how you feel is kind of sad. Did anyone change their vote after seeing a "W" or a "Kerry/Edwards" sticker last fall? Doubtful. And if not to influence others, why would you want anyone to know your political leanings while driving around? You don't need a sticker, your car tells me what I need to know.

For example:

You drive an extended cab pickup truck and live in the suburbs? You're a pussy-whipped shell of a man whose wife wouldn't let him get a real truck.

You own a two-wheel drive SUV? You're inconsiderate, and too full of yourself to buy what you need, a station wagon or a minivan.

You bought a Hummer? Sorry about your little dick, buddy. That's a shame. I mean really, maybe you can get chicks into the thing, but you're still bound to be a disappointment.

One day, I'll move to a city with a decent subway, and I'll sell my car. Then, I'll truly be free.