Actual letter to my co-workers

80 people received this last Wednesday:

Fellow Employees,

These are difficult times. The economic downturn has affected every business sector, and people of every income level are hurting. Bad times do not last forever, even if it sometimes feels like they will. The key to everything is commitment.

Commitment means a lot of different things. It can mean dedication, vowing to give our best efforts every day, both at work, and with our personal relationships. Commitment means doing what you say that you’re going to do.

To me, commitment is all about finishing what you’ve started.

We all have to multi-task, both at work and in our personal lives. It requires a great deal of effort and concentration to perform a task well while juggling a dozen other thoughts, issues and duties. Still, I maintain that in everything that we do, it is vital to give a laser-like focus, and ask yourself, “Am I truly serious about the task at hand? Am I committed?”

I am, quite regretfully, forced to suggest that, given the above photographic evidence, there are people in our ranks who are not committed.

I enjoy a nice no-sugar-added hot chocolate as much as the next person. And before I tear the top from the envelope, I ask myself, “Do I really want this? Can I afford to ingest sixty calories all at once?”

If the answer is yes, congratulations! You have the kind of rugged determination that made America great, and will make it great again. Thank you, citizen!

To those of you who will not, or simply cannot say yes…

I am not going to suggest that you are directly aiding and abetting terrorists with your lack of commitment to not only no-sugar-added hot chocolate, but to, dare I say? America. I will offer that you may merely be a terrible human being, and I want to help you.

Some suggestions:

• Live a little! Use the entire packet! When times are hard, you must take time to treat yourself. Go for the extra 27 calories of chocolate-like goodness that science has gone to great efforts to design for you. I’m not a religious man, but I feel comfortable suggesting that God would want you to have the whole packet.

• If you just don’t really care about metaphysical matters, you could simply take your opened packet (and it is yours now) back to your desk or work area to use later. I can only assume that if you think someone else would be comfortable using your leftovers, it ought to be a slam dunk for you to break that packet out again when you feel the urge for some Sucralose.

I hope these tips will help those who would waver at indecisive moments to commit, completely and bravely.

Oh, and whoever is leaving an opened and half-empty creamer on the counter? You need a straitjacket.

Be well,

sims

Labels: bastardry, work