Can I kick it? No, you can't.

Psst, China. I have a deal for you...

The Axis of Evil. A quick review:

Iraq: Bush insisted they had WMD, fretted aloud that he didn't want "the smoking gun to be a mushroom cloud." Because, they had nukular weapons, see?

Iran: No nukes, less oil than Iraq, leader never "tried to kill my Daddy."

North Korea: WE HAVE NUKES! WE HAVE MISSILES TO CARRY THEM! HELLO?!?

We'd better attack Iraq. We can beat them. Does that make us a bully?

Ain't that a bitch?

But I do want to talk about North Korea for a minute, because they could be a threat, and given the unstable nature of Kim Jong Il, that's no joke.

North Korea is one of the most isolated countries in the world, due in no small part to the fact that it's maybe the only remaining Communist nation left.

And don't hand me the "What about China?" crap. China is Commie like Bush is smart.

Since NK has been off the planet for the past fifty years, its leaders have had decades to fully indoctrinate the people on the evils of the West, some of it true, a lot of it hideous lies. The North Korean military may not be the best equipped, but it is disciplined, and would exact a high price on any country that tried to invade.

"Besides," you say, "if we attacked North Korea, the Chinese would get involved. Then we have a real problem."

I don't think so.

Bush needs to pay attention to North Korea, because they might be able to actually hit the mainland US with missiles. Bush's problem is that, after poking Kim Jong Il with a stick for four years, Kim is now showing W exactly where he ought to put that stick. Dealing with this threat is not something that George wants to do, because this is actually a legitimate problem, and he is, after all, a soft, effete, Ivy League doofus with a horrendous half-Connecticut, half Texas accent.

I'd like to help.

North Korea is not a problem that will go away on its own. If Kim dies, another nutjob will replace him. It is a cycle without end. My solution satisfies not only the Chinese, but, shockingly, the American business community.

George W Bush is, in addition to all of those other nice things I said about him, a Capitalist. China is, for all intents and purposes, an autocratically run Capitalist nation. China's markets are free and unfettered in a way that Sam Walton and other titans of industry could only dream. No environmental concerns, no human rights, no labor unions. Some guy falls in the sausage maker? Give the widow twenty bucks, and get back to work.

So, China doesn't really want to be in the business of defending North Korea. The Chinese will still sell them weapons, but that only serves to prove my point. They are not allies, they are trading partners. China would sell us weapons if we didn't have so many of our own already.

I say, go to China. Send Cheney! He's actually been successful in business, unlike the president, and he certainly understands the idea of a dictatorship that suppresses dissent and spies on its own people. He will offer them this deal:

Dear China,

We will continue to allow you to sell us cheap crap and never say a word about the trade imbalance. We will allow you to take our jobs, and will deal harshly with any US citizen that badmouths China. We will continue to let you buy our stocks, bonds, and otherwise finance out reckless debt. We'll help you look for oil, and build as many coal-powered power plants as you wish. We promise to never mention the words "human rights" ever again.

In return, you will cut North Korea loose.

After you militarily evacuate your population along the frontier, we will neutron bomb North Korea until 98% of the population is dead. Korea will be united under the direction of the South Korean government. You will have a grateful United States in your pocket, and a stable trading partner on your border.

China would take that deal in a Shanghai minute, and we might not even have to help them look for oil.

People might think I've gone mad, but when nukes are pointed at you, it's time to think outside the box.

Thursday, June 22, 2006