• It was a youthful indiscretion.

I'm told that younger folk, especially while in college, do a whole lot of experimentation related to sex. Not me, unfortunately. I didn't have any idea that the option of having sex with another man without being gay was an option. On the plus side, I didn't have any interest in other men, so it kind of worked out in my favor. On the negative side, despite my vast interest in hundreds of women during college, it just didn't work out as often as I would have liked.

It's not easy being 19 and funny-looking.

But upon closer examination of the Haggard case, he was 50 when his proclivities came to light, so this excuse doesn't fly.

• Research

Ted Haggard and his ilk are the most heterosexual people on Earth, if the literature can be believed. They say that your sexuality is a choice that you make, so if you choose The Gay, you deserve to go to hell.

But they are still a compassionate bunch. Admittedly, there's nothing that they can do for gays except to pray that you'll stop doing that. But perhaps, a closer look at The Gay might reveal clues as to how to combat it.

Pastor Ted took an incisive look at some of these activities, and even went so far as to go undercover to learn more about The Gay. It turns out that The Gay enjoys receiving oral sex from evangelical ministers, a satisfaction that is actually enhanced by being paid to allow this to be done.

Fascinating stuff to be sure! It's hard to believe that with this level of commitment to the scientific method, people like Ted Haggard find so much of science to be dubious.

• Ted Haggard dislikes kissing

Most human beings enjoy sharing a kiss with someone that they care deeply about, or at least a person close enough to grab. But just like there are some weirdos out there that don't like chocolate, there are certain to be people who don't care for the lip-to-lip kiss.

Ted Haggard would appear to be one of these poor souls.

I would imagine that after Ted's "research," Mrs. Haggard is not likely to french the pastor any time soon. Mission accomplished!

• It was an accident

As any emergency room physician can tell you, people wander in all the time with objects stuck inside of them. Sometimes it's bullets or knives, other times it can be large splinters or pieces of windshield after an accident. It might even be pasta.

The human body is not impenetrable, after all. Especially the anus.

Now let me be perfectly clear: No one is accusing Pastor Ted of engaging in anal sex, either with male prostitutes or his wife.

However, people show up all the time to the hospital with objects lodged in their person. It's invariably an accident, usually people slipping after a shower before they've had a chance to put on protective undergarments. You're flying through the air, hoping desperately that you won't land awkwardly on a screwdriver, a light bulb, or a live artillery shell.

Accidents happen.

I would like to posit that if so many people can fall, hmm, backward onto objects, then it is possible that Ted Haggard may have taken a headfirst dive into a man's crotch by accident, and inadvertently engaged in a homosexual act.

And also that it happened dozens of times over many years. Inadvertently.

After incidents like these, it would only be Christian of Ted to pay this poor man for the embarrassment that this sort of buffoonish pratfall must have caused.

As you can now see, there are many explanations as to how Ted Haggard is now straight, and always has been. Three weeks is all it takes to make it happen.

I hope your company's insurance plan covers it.

Labels: Haggard