Can I kick it? No, you can't.

Doritos X-13D

I'm at the store a couple of weeks back, and I see this black bag in the chips section. A new flavor of Doritos? And a mystery flavor at that? Well, I'm not made of stone.

I stand there thinking about buying this thing, having no idea what it's going to taste like. I'm sort of pleased at not knowing, because frankly, most of the new flavors of things introduced recently suck ass. Plus, it's all "EXTREME!" or "RAD" or "VIOLENTLY AWESOME FLAVOR!"

An aside. I'll tell you when the word "extreme" officially lost any oomph that it had (assuming it actually had any). February 1997, Boston Market introduces the Extreme Carver sandwich. I love committee thinking...

"What do the kids like? Extreme stuff, that's what! We'll get them into the stores by labeling this otherwise dull food item with a cool buzzword!"

I was at that meeting. I meekly raised my hand and said, "Why don't we call it the Cool Buzzword sandwich?"

I got fired for that.

The other thing that makes me nervous about this anonymous Doritos is that I'm positive this is just another variation on Ranch. I'm trying to recall when everything we ate needed to be drenched with a bucket of Ranch dressing, but I can't pin it down. I've rarely encountered anything more nauseating than Ranch dressing, and I've made a real effort.

Having a plate of healthy veggies? Make sure to dunk them in some creamy fat!

Chicken wings too spicy for your widdle mouf? Get the Ranch dressing fire hose!

Ranch dressing is a culinary pacifier for adults, and yes it makes your ass look big.

Anyway, I'm still standing in the aisle at the store. I'm finally overcome by the lure of the black bag with the mysterious scientific-sounding name on the label. Into the cart they go. I cracked the bag open a couple of days later, and you know what? They're really good!

But what do they taste like? It took me a minute to place the taste, but I think I have it, and you'll need to eat a few before it really hits you, because the first bite is a little odd.

They taste like MacDonald's cheeseburgers.

That may not appeal to you, but that is exactly what they remind me of. I doubt they'll end up using that as the name of the flavor, but it's true. A little mustard, a hint of pickle, cheese, ketchup and onion. It's all there.

I hate to sound like a whore for these things, but go try a bag, and let me know if I'm right.

Monday, June 11, 2007