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Monday, May 26, 2008
Down Payment

I'm thinking about buying a house, but they cost a lot of money, which is really kind of the thing holding me up. Frankly, it's a bit mystifying how I, who slave over this terribly unique blog, on increasingly rare occasions, could not be sitting on a mountain of cash. I thought if I wrote less, it would drive up the value of the entire enterprise. That's economics.

But it turns out that blogging less pays the same as blogging more, which strikes me as Communism, or maybe anarcho-capitalism. I write, I don't get paid. I don't write, I don't get paid. It seems to me that there should be some appreciable difference in the fatness of my wallet at the end of the month based on my literary output. After minutes of reflection, I'm pretty sure I understand what's happened:

This is your fault.

Do you think you can just surf randomly around the interwebs and find blogs to read written by people you don't know and probably wouldn't trust with the combination to your bike lock? Don't be ridiculous. You need to step up and underwrite this masterpiece. Oh, sure, I've been giving it away for four years, and in retrospect, that was a mistake. I should have been printing these things up and selling them on street corners like those guys do with strawberries, depending on the season.

But there is no off-season for genius! Genius thrives in all climates, be they hot, cold, semi-arid or subtropical! I consulted with the finest climatological minds in the world, and they agree: You deadbeats should be paying for these nuggets.

The best way is to set up some sort of pay pal account, but I don't really trust these sort of virtual loan sharking cartels, and besides, I just don't feel like bothering. I might incorporate, and then you could buy shares of the blog, shares of me, really. I could go down to the Secretary of State's office and incorporate the whole shebang for $75, which would be really cool.

"I'm a limited liability corporation! Emphasis on 'limited'!"

I've done some research on how many shares I should put up for sale, and I think it should be about 50. But how do you price them? At last check, Google was selling shares at $544.62, although it has been as high as $747.24. They have a lot more shares out there, though, which is why they can afford to give away stock at that price, I figure.

If I'm only offering 50 shares, I suppose they ought to go for about $10000 apiece. That would put me in a pretty good position to buy a home.

But what if I lose operational control? What if some savvy corporate raider takes over majority control of my company, and forces me to write about things I don't want to, or at all? What if I get thrown out in a hostile takeover? Why the hell is Charlie Sheen following me around on a motorcycle?

"And why is this phone so fucking large?"

I don't like where this is going, to be perfectly honest. I suppose the simplest thing to do would be for you to purchase gift cards online, and then send them to the numbers so that I can purchase things which will eventually go into my new home. I suggest that you start now, while interest rates are low, and the armed insurrection hasn't begun the overthrow of society and government.

Disregard that, everything is fine. Thanks for the stuff.

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posted at 12:02 PM

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