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Thursday, August 07, 2008
The Best Defense

We are less than ninety days from Election Day, the conventions start in just a few weeks, and for obvious reasons, this thing is still close. We have an outgoing president with a 23% approval rating, an electorate polling at 81% who think the country is on the wrong track, and yet, the candidate in the race who agrees with this deeply unpopular dancing cornhole is still within the margin of error.

"Obvious reasons? Really? Like what?"

Here's where I have to be delicate. Everyone knows why Obama is just barely outpolling McCain. But everyone also knows that people don't like being called racist. They also don't like being called fat, stupid or ugly. People like to think the best of themselves, but we all still have crappy things inside us that aren't really part of our better nature.

Come up with whatever reason you want to justify voting for the guy who promises to give oil companies even bigger tax breaks while you are paying record prices for gasoline and heating oil. Maybe winter won't come ever again and none of this will matter.

But I know that if you aren't rich, you're probably some flavor of cracker, whether you know it or not. Barack Hussein Obama is a black guy! Double-whammy.

I have to give him credit, he's been standing up pretty well to the Rovian attacks by McCain's flying monkeys. Obama's responses have been rapid, and right on point. They have routinely shattered any veneer of credibility that McCain's ads or slurs may have seemed to have. But the Democrats are still, to put it delicately, giant pussies. They don't want to sink into the muck.

You know what's down in that muck, Poindexter? Victory.

It's time, past time, really, to start shelling out that huge bankroll, and start launching bombs at the McCain campaign. For starters, stick to the facts. If you're going to get into a knife fight, you can at least feel somewhat decent if you're eviscerating your opponent with the truth. Just show video after video of McCain in 2000 saying something sensible, and then show McCain in 2008 saying the opposite. There's enough material to keep ads like this on the air and fresh for months.

Then, just get nasty.

Talk about how old McCain is, and how he smells like a pig's balls wrapped in a sweatsock and left under the radiator. Take note of how he finished fourth from the bottom of his cadet class, and only got into the Naval Academy because his daddy was an admiral. Discuss how the candidate of the Family Values party ditched his first wife for the beauty queen/beer heiress. (On the other hand, it's kind of hard to imagine a better pairing of characteristics in a woman. This may actually improve McCain's image.) Demand an answer to why McCain voted against SCHIP, and ask him why he hates American children. Insinuate that he "went gay" while imprisoned in North Vietnam, and he got shot down on purpose merely to satisfy his need for hot sex with VietCong guerillas.

I feel a little silly giving away solid campaign strategy like this for free, but I don't mind. I just want to do good.

Do what you wish with my big ideas, Senator Obama. The people who own this country resent your intrusion into their little club, and the only way you're going to get in to it is to swing a much bigger club. You are dealing with people that will do anything to hang on to their power, and as you've noted, you don't look like the people on the currency. No one with any sense doubts you are the better candidate, and the best hope to get America back on the trajectory to greatness.

Those things will not be enough. You are going to have to destroy John McCain. Get to it. Time is short, and there's too much at stake. Sir, your eldest daughter will be draft-eligible before the end of a second McCain term.

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posted at 9:37 PM

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