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Friday, April 23, 2004
Go on, be a monkey's uncle

I threatened to talk about Evolution and Darwinism a little bit, so here it is.

The thing of it is, it simply makes sense. You can pretty much look back in the fossil record and see the progression and wrong turns that we made as humans. Admittedly, there are some missing pieces of the puzzle, but that's to be expected over millions of years. I don't understand why some people just dismiss it out of hand.

"I didn't come from no monkey! God made me!"

Well, God made monkeys too, presumably. Why is the notion of having kinship to other primates so repugnant to you? I mean, a chimpanzee's DNA differs from a man's by less than two percent? We can infer nothing from that? Besides, we all know people that look a little bit like monkeys. I am routinely pointed at by children who see the likeness. Sure, it hurts, but I'm comfortable with what I am.

So, why can't you admit it? You feel it insulting to be distant cousin to the banana-eating feces tosser? Sure, monkeys do some pretty funny stuff, but I'll bet you have human cousins that act more idiotic. Any DWIs in your family? Any of them get pregnant in high school? Perhaps some of them BLOG? See? You have a great deal to be ashamed of. A baboon never fucked his partner over in a business deal. An ape never locked his keys in the car. A gorilla never claimed Iraq was an imminent threat to the United States.

Humans can be pretty cool, but we're only at the top of the food chain because we know how to build guns. One on one, most animals would kick our asses. So we adapted. We learned. We EVOLVED. We lost some of our physical strengths, and became more clever than the other animals. To me, this is a source of pride, not shame. I mean, we have air conditioning and Neosporin and Red Bull now, so life is infinitely better than it was say, 200 years ago. Are we going to start denying that period of our development because they had to use candles and rode horses to get around? How embarrassing! Let's deny all of it! God made us perfect, finished and complete!

Do you feel like a finished product? I would prefer to keep growing, learning, and improving myself. Maybe there is a god, and maybe there isn't. That really should be irrelevant to the argument. If God exists, then why shouldn't man have started in the primordial soup? God is in a hurry? God can't wait? If a thousand years is but a day, then what's it to God to wait millions of years for us to develop into the fascinating creatures we have become? God couldn't stand being without people ruining His environment and masturbating to Internet porn? That strikes me as unlikely.

You're a smart monkey. Take pride in it. Frankly, it may be your only redeeming quality.

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posted at 10:53 PM

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