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SIMS : ROCKS ARE FREE, AND SLINGSHOTS EASILY STOLEN.
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Friday, September 10, 2004
80.6 Degrees Fahrenheit

Well, so far, I've revealed very few personal details about myself in this esteemed blog, and I still maintain that my life is none of your fucking business. However, for the purposes of another potentially quality-esque post, I will reveal a fascinating nugget:

I was born and raised in Ohio.

And I've lived all over since then. But the reason I mention this now, is because of all of the hurricane activity that the U.S. Banana Republic of Florida is currently enjoying.

"What the hell has your fat ass growing up in Ohio got to do with hurricanes in Florida?"

It's a weather thing, baby.

In Ohio, the weather is stupid. And I mean that in a good way, because the fact that it's always changing is pretty cool, if you ask me. The summers are hot and humid, which admittedly sucks. And the winters can be snowy, and at times unbelievably cold, as in 10-20 below zero, depending on what our Canadian friends are sending. But there are also lots of thunderstorms, and I like thunderstorms. Clearly, that's because I am a hopeless romantic (like I need to tell you).

The point is, weird, violent weather is nothing unusual to Midwesterners, and we tend not to get freaked out by it. But these hurricanes have sure made things interesting in Florida lately. I lived on the East coast for a few years, and experienced two or three hurricanes rolling through the area where I lived. Lots of warm wind, bands of rain, and power outages. Nothing that freaked me out, but I never really got hit head-on. I never assumed that hurricanes or any other natural disaster was the act of some angry god or goddess, but as odd as it seems, there will be political consequences from these storms.

Charley and Frances have put their collective feet squarely up Florida's ass, and Ivan is poised to do the same in the next few days. Fans of democracy can only hope these no-audit, paperless voting machines will be swept out into the Gulf of Mexico to avoid another third world-type fiasco like we had in 2000. And has the universe conspired to take revenge on Floridians for their inability to comprehend a fucking ballot? I just don't know.

But the political fallout of which I speak is certainly going to happen, and the ball is in the president's court. By the time November 2 rolls around, Floridians will still be living in shelters, makeshift homes, etc. And if there are enough of them who feel that the government is not helping them, they will vote to toss King George out on his soft, shrapnel-free ass. Even before Charley had blown ashore in Florida last month, Bush had already committed two BILLION dollars to relief for Florida.

Certainly, just having your little brother rig the polls again would have been cheaper.

Still, I have no problem with the government stepping up to help people at a time like this. Who else will do it? Insurance companies and their fat margins? The private sector? No chance. So, it's kind of fun to see the president pretend he's FDR and chucking bags of cash out to voters, er, storm victims. Hell, after Charley, I saw video of W saying that it was the government's job to get people back on their feet. I was shocked to hear these words come out of his mouth, and not just because he pronounced all of them correctly. Mister Small Government (in theory) feels that sometimes people need help? And the government should provide that help? Optimist that I am, for a second, I thought that George had turned a corner and seen the light. And not the fake one he saw when he found Jesus at the bottom of a pill bottle full of cocaine.

The cynic in me fought back, though. He's just buying votes. He's scared of seeming to not care like his father after hurricane Andrew struck in 1992. Well, it is the president's job to act presidential, and nothing gives one a better chance to radiate fake warmth like a disaster.

So, I say to Florida: Hunker down! Ivan is on the way! And if you fuck up the election again, I hope God breaks your inbred state off at the panhandle and floats your dumb asses all the way down to Mexico, so you can see how efficiently a government can fix an election.

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posted at 10:38 AM

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