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Thursday, September 23, 2004
I Feel Fantastic


I guess I do, anyway.

This morning, for the first time in nearly four years, I went to the doctor for a physical. The reason for the delay, naturally, is that I spent most of that time as one of the 45 million uninsured citizens of the world's wealthiest nation, which is run by Christians. Still trying to get that one to jibe. Anyway...

I made this appointment three months ago. That was the delay, three months. But I figure, it's an initial visit to a new doctor, and it's going to take a little extra time, which is good. Any number of things on me may be failing, and I am prepared to take the time to see what they might be. My appointment was for 8am.

I arrive at 7:45, like a reasonable human being. I pay up front (naturally), and I sit my ass down. At 8:05, a fat old guy walks in, exchanges pleasantries with the receptionist, and breezes straight back to see a doctor. After all. he had an 8am appointment, too. Same thing with an older woman that wandered in. Well fine, they seem healthy, but maybe they really have a more urgent problem. Go ahead!

At 8:25, I am summoned back by a pretty Asian lady, who I believe was a resident doctor in training or something. So, I get weighed and measured, and head back to the little room. She checks my blood pressure and pulse, which incidentally were not relayed to me, the fucking patient. The doctor finally comes in and we exchange brief pleasantries.

"How ya doing?"

"Fine, I guess. You tell me."

"When's the last time you had a tetanus shot?"

"Dunno. Guess it's been too long, then."

"Ya want one?"

And she's looking at me the same way you would if you were asking someone if they wanted a Coke or something.

I opt for the tetanus shot.

She tells me to get undressed, but to leave the underwear on. I'm not old enough yet for the really fun part of a physical examination, apparently. So, I change into a nice blue gown thing, and sit down on the table and wait.

She and the pretty resident return, and she gets out the scope thing with the light that they use to look in your ears and mouth. She's complaining to the resident about how small some of these rooms are, and some other person that I don't know. She looks in both ears with the scope, then into my mouth. Let me correct that. She stuck the scope in my ears and mouth, but she was bitching the whole time, and I'm pretty sure she didn't actually look at anything. Having been to the doctor before, they usually look at your pupils too, but not today. She keeps moving, and asks if I have any moles on my back. I resist the urge to ask how the fuck I would know if I had anything on my back, but I just shrug. She takes a look, and I infer that I am mole-free.

"Lay down."

So, I ease back onto the crinkly paper, and she starts pushing on my feet, right along the big toe. That's a new one for me. In the past, I have always preferred to use internists, as they seem to be better trained, but for some reason this time, I have a general practitioner. But at least she's pushing on my big toe.

She moves up the leg to the abdomen, pressing down in spots, which at least is a familiar procedure. I don't know what they are looking for, but they all look for it. Next, feel around the neck and jaw for lymph node issues, but I guess I'm clean.

"Stand up."

I stand up, and it's hernia check time, also known as turn-your-head-and cough. However, I still have the drawers on as directed. She yanks them down to my knees and manhandles my nuts to the extent that I am still sore. I turn my head and cough, amused at the idea of the pretty Asian doctor in training having to get a good look at my junk. In retrospect, she couldn't have been too hot, because my doctor was in no danger of having her eye poked out or anything.

Ten seconds later, they're barrelling out the door.

"You doing any blood work today, Doctor?" I ask.

"Have you eaten today?"

"A little bit."

"You'll have to come back."

Now again, I made this appointment THREE months ago. They called me yesterday to remind me, and no one mentioned fasting, or I'm pretty sure I'd have done just that. Why visit twice?

So, she heads out, mentioning that someone would be back in a minute to give me a tetanus shot. I look at my watch, and it's now 8:35.

So, I change back into my clothes and wait. Apparently, my visit with a medical doctor for a physical is over. Now, I had mentioned up front that I had not had a physical in at least four years. In spite of that, I get no chest X-ray, no EKG, no EEG, and of course, no blood work. Frankly, I got as thorough of an examination when the team doctor checked me out before baseball season. There was no inquiry as to whether anything was bothering me, or if had any pain or anything else that I might be concerned about. Honestly, it was a complete waste of time.

So finally, at 9am, someone notices the door has been shut for awhile, and asks if anyone had been in to give me a tetanus shot yet.

"Why would I still be sitting here if I had been given a shot and summarily dismissed?"

Five minutes later, a nurse comes in and asks me which arm I want the shot in. I reply that at this point, I really don't care. The left arm is closest, so in goes the needle. I am thrilled, because I finally feel like I have had some sort of medical procedure. It occurs to me as she slaps on a band-aid that I could have gone to the free clinic to get a tetanus shot and a hernia check, and I'd have saved a fifteen dollar copay, and possibly some time as well.

Maybe I just picked a bad doctor this time, or maybe things have just gotten a lot worse since I was last able to afford medical care. I know that the doctor makes less money if they do more tests on patients, but I honestly believe that most people get into the medical field because they want to help people. I have no problem with doctors making a lot of money. Who should make more money than doctors and teachers? I can't think of anyone. But this doctor was not interested in treating me at all, only getting me in and out, having someone file the paperwork, and on to the next meatbag. It's pretty discouraging.

I don't have any answers for the state of medical costs, and the insurance companies that run everything now. Feel free to post any ideas, including violent ones.

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posted at 3:17 PM

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