Can I kick it? No, you can't.

You're acting like a baby about this

As usual, I am conflicted. I have a feeling that it is simply my nature to feel this way. I am ambidextrous, I am politically all over the place, I am completely ambivalent about where I should go for dinner, and I despise clutter yet refuse to straighten up the living room.

I feel like it is terribly sad when a marriage breaks up, and yet find it utterly hilarious when a moral crusader is caught philandering with prostitutes.

I am conflicted.

But I'm over that now. Hello, Senator David Vitter!

Adultery is an awful thing, a real betrayal in a relationship. A lot of people seem to have trouble keeping themselves in line when it comes to this, and I'm not going to sit here in judgment of the senator's actions. Truth be told, I really don't care one bit what he does, any more than I did when Bill Clinton got caught with his hand in the humidor.

Did he divulge any classified material? Was anyone murdered? Was everyone a consenting adult?

I must state simply, the only reason I adore this story, and so many others like it, is because Senator Stupidhead wasn't content to simply enjoy the paid company of friendly women. Oh, no. Vitter was very active in the whole Sanctity of Marriage folderol, which is just religiously phrased cover for "No, you can't have a same-sex marriage."

And lest we forget the reasons why, gay marriage would undermine, if not destroy traditional marriage. My guess is that repeated visits to prostitutes who dress you up in a diaper is a far more tangible threat to the Vitter marriage, but I am a "live and let live" sort of person. I will not presume to judge whether or not this is a bad thing where that relationship is concerned. I assume that Mrs. Vitter was aware that the senator liked to dress up like a baby; it's not as if giant packs of adult-sized diapers are easy to hide around the house.

So, what is the ambivalent citizen to do? The higher brain functions know that there was no worrisome crime committed. The so-called victim got paid for her trouble, although she'll probably need to spend a fortune working through the image of Davey Boy in Huggies.

I won't even bother calling for Vitter to resign, because this just isn't that big of a deal. What I would like from the senator is for him to keep his lying, douchebag of a mouth shut. Keep going to work, do your job, make your votes, collect your bribes.

But you don't get to give moralizing speeches any more.

Any time you mention the sanctity of marriage, traditional families, or the like, all anyone is going to see is the image of you, in a diaper, with a pacifier in your mouth, and a wallet emptied of thousands upon thousands of dollars for services rendered.

Keep coming to work, Senator. You're getting paid to be there, and paid well. You may spend your salary and per diem on whatever you wish. Keep undermining the cabal of moral scolds who get caught over and over again saying one thing and doing the opposite.

I love ya, man. Don't crawl back to the bayou and disappear. Don't go to rehab, there's nothing wrong with you. This is America, and a man has the right to be cleaned, powdered, diapered and spanked, if he has the cash.

Addendum: This is just icing on the cake.

Wednesday, July 11, 2007