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Monday, November 10, 2008

Mormons and Palins and Bailouts, Oh My!

The government, by which I mean you and I, are about to give failed insurance giant, AIG, another $40 billion dollars, on top of the $110 billion we’ve already handed them. This company has been burning through $12-15 billion dollars EACH WEEK, since the initial $85 billion dollar bailout. Even the war in Iraq only costs about$10 billion per week, and that includes blowing up $h!t. The initial logic was that this company is too big to fail, and we have to bail them out, or we’re all doomed. A couple of ideas:

1) We should stop letting companies get so big that a failure takes taxpayers hostage.
2) F them. Let it fail. Whatever happened to the invisible hand of the free market?

Same thing with GM. My only hesitation here is that the auto industry still provides good jobs to people that actually work and create things, unlike the Wall Street douchebags who’ve built nothing but fake wealth on paper.

My neighbor was working on his car, a Chrysler, Saturday. He was in his front wheel well, and had taken off part of the front bumper, trying to get at something way the hell down underneath.

“Whatcha working on,” I asked.
“Trying to get at the battery to test it.”
“Why is your battery buried all the way under the engine?”
“I have no idea. I’m buying a Toyota next time.”

To hell with it, you make an inferior product, you should go out of business. Your service sucks? Adios.

The federal government should tell all US automakers that they can have their bailout, but there will be conditions:

1) All plants will be converted to build autos that get at least 40mpg by 2015.
2) All cars will have plug-in batteries that will run for at least 60 miles by the same date.
3) Any vehicle the company builds will be built in the US by Americans. You want to sell cars in China? Great, you’ll build them in Ohio, Texas and California, and union workers will build them. Henry Ford was a tyrant, but even he knew that he had to pay workers well enough to afford the product that they were building.

Those are your conditions, take it or leave it.

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Sarah Palin, complained this week that her ticket lost because it represented too much of the status quo. No one bothered to ask her what “status quo” means, but I have it on good authority that she thinks it has something to do with statehood for Puerto Rico. Which she is against, 51 being a much more difficult number to remember than 50.

The governor marveled that given how bad the Republican brand smells, that she and what’s-his-face did pretty well. Well, you ran against a black guy, or you’d have lost by 20 points and 400 electoral votes instead of 6 and 200. She beefed about some of the rumors that came out about her during her run, including the whopper about her son Trig actually being Bristol’s kid. And that was a cheap shot, admittedly. She then said that if you wanted to know the truth, we could have just asked for her medical records.

Well, we did ask for them, along with your tax returns. Thanks for nothing.

Meanwhile, you said repeatedly that Barack Obama was a Socialist, implied that he was a terrorist, anti-Israel, and wanted to serve aborted fetuses to the poor on gold-plated welfare checks. At least a lot of the horrible things that were said about you were the truth.

I would ask that you get back to work, ma’am. Your state may have trouble handing out its annual petrodollar welfare checks next year given the dive in oil prices. The natives will be restless, and you’ve got a family to raise, a seventeen year-old to marry off, and realistically, a grandchild to raise. Try and do a better job than you did with Bristol. I’m really looking forward to doing this again with you in 2012.

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Finally, to the Mormons, who made the passage of Prop 8 a reality, I will begrudgingly say congratulations. You’ve succeeded in reducing freedom in this country, but as in all cases where this has been done, enjoy your victory, it is only temporary.

But since I’m being so magnanimous, could you please do me a favor? Please stop posthumously baptizing people.

First of all, no one asked you. I’m pretty sure that, even if it wasn’t a complete bunch of hooey, that people who practiced other religions would assume be left alone in the afterlife. Does this make the foreskins of dead Jewish men grow back in heaven? There are a million questions, really. Just please stop, it’s presumptuous, arrogant, and gross. Clean up the weirdos in your own house before you think about harvesting the souls of people who didn’t want your help when they were alive.

Aside from that horrible abomination, I like that you have your young people on bikes. It’s forward-thinking and retro-quaint all at once.

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posted at 2:28 PM

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