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Saturday, March 12, 2011
Eyes Wide Shut

Like most reasonable Americans, I usually watch The Daily Show, and The Colbert Report on Comedy Central. I was watching Jon Stewart talk about NY Congressman, Peter King, and the hearings that are being held to investigate the radicalization of Muslims in the US. Aside from the fact that these types of spectacles tend to cause the thing they claim to wish to prevent, Stewart looked into King's long time support of the Irish Republican Army, a group which has been on America's list of terrorist organizations for decades.

King's response? The IRA never carried out attacks on US soil, and his only loyalty is to the United States.

So, I guess that those civilians blown up in Harrod's in London in 1983 weren't killed by terrorism. They all died of blunt natural forces complicated by not being American.

But I don't really want to talk about Peter King. I want to look more at what how people like him can say one thing, and do pretty much the exact opposite without ever appearing to notice the contradiction.

  • The same people who claim that Americans with an income above $250,000 per year are too impoverished to stand a 3% tax hike, are the first to tell you that a school teacher making 50 grand is a fatcat who is destroying the country.
  • Newt Gingrich says that it was his passion for America that led to his cheating on his wife. You know, the one with cancer. Also, the other one he cheated on, and presumably the current one.
  • A Supreme Court justice declines to recuse himself from cases dealing in the federal health care legislation, even though his wife made almost $700,000 between 2003 and 2007 lobbying and organizing against it.
  • And, you know, pretty much everything Sarah Palin says.
It's the disconnect that bothers me. I understand in some cases, like Clarence Thomas, it's about money, and at least I get the impulse. Gingrich? I don't think he's an immoral man. Gingrich is amoral. That's a different animal altogether.

But how does he do it? And how do people who work hard just to keep a roof over their heads cry so loud to defend the bonuses of hedge fund managers while decrying the health benefits of teachers?

It's irrationality. And I've become exhausted trying to talk to crazy people in a rational tone of voice. The imbalance is glaring, and this kind of imbalance cannot occur in nature without repercussions. I want to help.

Liberals? This is what you need to do:

Arm yourselves.

You are not respected by conservatives, because they have guns, and you do not. You are weak, and everyone knows it. You need to get guns, you need to get trained on how to use them.

Then you need to start showing up at political rallies with them strapped to your hip, just like Real Americans.™

Conservatives don't want to hear your arguments, they aren't interested in logic or rationality. They understand brute force, and they understand fear. You do not currently register on their radar as anything which needs acknowledgment, which is why it is so easy for your point of view to be dismissed, even on the rare occasion where it's heard.

Go to gun shows and pawn shops. Buy handguns, rifles, shotguns and machine guns. The fight you're in isn't a fair fight, and your opponent knows it.

Now, you don't have to start shooting people, although you're certainly welcome to return fire. The point is, until the irrational people understand that you are properly equipped to play their game, your point of view holds no standing. You wouldn't reason with a charging grizzly bear, even if your treatise on why he'd be better off eating something else is well-thought out and incredibly persuasive.

I am imagining the massive rallies in Madison, but with thousands of the protesters sporting sidearms. I adore the irony of streets full of anti-war activists, with legally purchased rifles on their shoulders. I absolutely want to see a march for marriage equality populated by armed citizenry.

Trust me, the first time a few thousand peaceful but armed black folks show up someplace for some political cause, even the most disconnected will begin to wonder if the gun laws aren't a bit too liberal.

I understand an eye for an eye makes the whole world blind, but this isn't about shooting someone's eye out. This is about simply getting the eyes open, where they may at least have a chance to catch a glimpse of reality.

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posted at 5:45 AM

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Wednesday, July 15, 2009
This guy is supposed to be smart?

Last week, Newt Gingrich was interviewed on Al Jazeera by Avi Lewis. Among the other brilliant nuggets to drip from the Faucet Of Genius that is the former House Speaker's mouth, was his assertion that we ought to take out Iran's oil refineries.

Lewis said that Gingrich was on the record as wanting to bomb these facilities. "The Professor" was quick to correct him.



See? Not bombing. Sabotage. What are you? Stupid? We don't have to blow these facilities up, we can just sabotage them. Perhaps we can find a way to put sugar into the enormous gasoline storage tanks. Sabotage! Gingrich would like you to believe how simple it would be, as he states that Iran only has one gasoline refinery in the country. My understanding is that there are at least nine of them in Iran.

The best part is that Lewis actually laughs at Gingrich twice during the interview. The ideas are so patently stupid, that when anyone but Newt says them out loud, it is pretty much impossible to keep a straight face. All this is aside from the fact that Gingrich figures the best way to go about making his brilliant plan come to fruition is by talking about it on television.

Newt Gingrich is a man who has gotten far too much credit for far too long in regard to his intellect. People think he's bright because he has an idea every 10 minutes, but most of them are completely worthless. It is quite easy to see how someone like Sarah Palin can still be taken seriously as a force in Conservative politics when the smartest guy on the team operates like a 9-year old boy with ADD.

Furthermore, "Sabotage Iran's refineries" isn't nearly as catchy as "Bomb, bomb Iran." Marketing, man!

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posted at 7:15 AM

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Monday, November 10, 2008

Mormons and Palins and Bailouts, Oh My!

The government, by which I mean you and I, are about to give failed insurance giant, AIG, another $40 billion dollars, on top of the $110 billion we’ve already handed them. This company has been burning through $12-15 billion dollars EACH WEEK, since the initial $85 billion dollar bailout. Even the war in Iraq only costs about$10 billion per week, and that includes blowing up $h!t. The initial logic was that this company is too big to fail, and we have to bail them out, or we’re all doomed. A couple of ideas:

1) We should stop letting companies get so big that a failure takes taxpayers hostage.
2) F them. Let it fail. Whatever happened to the invisible hand of the free market?

Same thing with GM. My only hesitation here is that the auto industry still provides good jobs to people that actually work and create things, unlike the Wall Street douchebags who’ve built nothing but fake wealth on paper.

My neighbor was working on his car, a Chrysler, Saturday. He was in his front wheel well, and had taken off part of the front bumper, trying to get at something way the hell down underneath.

“Whatcha working on,” I asked.
“Trying to get at the battery to test it.”
“Why is your battery buried all the way under the engine?”
“I have no idea. I’m buying a Toyota next time.”

To hell with it, you make an inferior product, you should go out of business. Your service sucks? Adios.

The federal government should tell all US automakers that they can have their bailout, but there will be conditions:

1) All plants will be converted to build autos that get at least 40mpg by 2015.
2) All cars will have plug-in batteries that will run for at least 60 miles by the same date.
3) Any vehicle the company builds will be built in the US by Americans. You want to sell cars in China? Great, you’ll build them in Ohio, Texas and California, and union workers will build them. Henry Ford was a tyrant, but even he knew that he had to pay workers well enough to afford the product that they were building.

Those are your conditions, take it or leave it.

————————————-

Sarah Palin, complained this week that her ticket lost because it represented too much of the status quo. No one bothered to ask her what “status quo” means, but I have it on good authority that she thinks it has something to do with statehood for Puerto Rico. Which she is against, 51 being a much more difficult number to remember than 50.

The governor marveled that given how bad the Republican brand smells, that she and what’s-his-face did pretty well. Well, you ran against a black guy, or you’d have lost by 20 points and 400 electoral votes instead of 6 and 200. She beefed about some of the rumors that came out about her during her run, including the whopper about her son Trig actually being Bristol’s kid. And that was a cheap shot, admittedly. She then said that if you wanted to know the truth, we could have just asked for her medical records.

Well, we did ask for them, along with your tax returns. Thanks for nothing.

Meanwhile, you said repeatedly that Barack Obama was a Socialist, implied that he was a terrorist, anti-Israel, and wanted to serve aborted fetuses to the poor on gold-plated welfare checks. At least a lot of the horrible things that were said about you were the truth.

I would ask that you get back to work, ma’am. Your state may have trouble handing out its annual petrodollar welfare checks next year given the dive in oil prices. The natives will be restless, and you’ve got a family to raise, a seventeen year-old to marry off, and realistically, a grandchild to raise. Try and do a better job than you did with Bristol. I’m really looking forward to doing this again with you in 2012.

——————————————

Finally, to the Mormons, who made the passage of Prop 8 a reality, I will begrudgingly say congratulations. You’ve succeeded in reducing freedom in this country, but as in all cases where this has been done, enjoy your victory, it is only temporary.

But since I’m being so magnanimous, could you please do me a favor? Please stop posthumously baptizing people.

First of all, no one asked you. I’m pretty sure that, even if it wasn’t a complete bunch of hooey, that people who practiced other religions would assume be left alone in the afterlife. Does this make the foreskins of dead Jewish men grow back in heaven? There are a million questions, really. Just please stop, it’s presumptuous, arrogant, and gross. Clean up the weirdos in your own house before you think about harvesting the souls of people who didn’t want your help when they were alive.

Aside from that horrible abomination, I like that you have your young people on bikes. It’s forward-thinking and retro-quaint all at once.

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posted at 2:28 PM

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Thursday, November 06, 2008
I Got Your Mandate Right Here

With only one electoral college vote in Nebraska still outstanding, the final score from Tuesday is:

Obama/Biden - 364
McCain/Palin - 173

This is a blowout. I know it's a blowout, because every time I turn on the television, any Real American™ within shouting distance of a camera keeps screaming that the results don't mean anything, that this is still a center-right country, and if the Democrats try and push a liberal agenda, Ronald Reagan will rise from the grave and send arms to Iran in exchange for hostages.

Something like that, it's hard to understand a lot of them from all of the sobbing. Let's review:

Barack Obama is:

A terrorist
A Muslim
A Muslim terrorist
an atheist
A black supremacist
A Socialist
A Communist
the antiChrist
a foreigner
black

All over this country for the past several months, preachers have been standing in the pulpit, advising their customers to pray for an Obama loss.

First of all, I'm taking your non-political tax-exempt status, dickhead.

And what does Tuesday say about your belief? Either there is no God, God doesn't like you very much, or God just doesn't give a damn about the amusing election ritual that the tiny blobs of plasma slithering around here in some small corner of the Milky Way have every so often.

Assuming that any of these possibilities are true, let's get back to the list of what Barack Obama is, and take one of the milder ones. "Black" is pretty inflammatory, so I'm going to go with "Socialist."

Barack Obama is a Socialist.

Everyone knows this. It was reported all over the networks, newspapers, and online. This charge first made the rounds after Senator Obama was asked a question by a man we've come to know as Joe Sort Of A Plumber. It caught on like wildfire, Sarah Palin inflamed crowds as she clucked about America turning into a country like Africa, and the handful of Americans who still have wealth worried about a President Obama redistributing it. There is no question, a vote for Obama is a vote for Socialism.

Does that still count? Did this country just overwhelmingly vote for Socialism? We knew what we were doing, we were warned. What does this say about us? It's a landslide for Socialism.

Welcome to The People's Republic of The United States of America.

You put a safety net in place for citizens, it's Socialism. You do it for entire industries or banks, and it's...what? Reaganomics? Trickle-down? Voodoo Economics? Dry ass-rape of the taxpayer? Only one of these vaunted theories actually works, and I encourage you to do the research on which just as soon as you can sit down again.

In the meantime, the Socialist won. And this wasn't some split decision handed to him by Daddy's Supreme Court, Obama won this thing big. It wasn't even close.

You know who should be happy? Joe the Plumber. And not because as everyone now knows, he'll be better off under Obama's tax plan, that he doesn't make anywhere near $250k a year, that he couldn't buy his boss' business if he lived to be 100. Nope, JT Plumber will be better off in our gleaming new Welfare state, because he himself has been on Welfare. Twice.

Conservatives defined Barack Obama as a Socialist. This country has given Barack Obama an overwhelming mandate. Do the math.

In other news, there will still be mandates here in California, but due to the polygamy people, there will be no man-marriage.

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posted at 8:32 PM

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Sunday, November 02, 2008
The New Face of the Republican Party

Two days to go, and barring an out-and-out theft of the election on Tuesday, the United States will have elected its first black president. It seems like that would be a pretty good topic for a blog, but I'll leave that to the more eloquent among us, like the good people at New Republic Online.

Should it come to pass, John McCain will be able to spend more time at homes, and Sarah Palin can take her trailer back to Alaska. But this will not be the last we see of her.

Mooselini has already advised the people who live in Real America™ that no matter what happens, we haven't seen the last of her. She's had a taste of the world outside of her enclave, and like most Neocons, sees the things that set her heart aflutter:
  1. A fortune to be made for her and her cronies
  2. Millions of heathen souls to save
So, that's incentive.

There's no getting around the woman's political skills. She's got good instincts, in spite of her ignorance, she's possibly quite intelligent, and let's face it, she's a good-looking woman. Attractive politicians do have a natural advantage, which is why I'm still scratching my head at the wholesale rejection of Rudy Giuliani.



Baffling.

You can really see it at the Palin/McCain rallies. People who really work for a living, white collar, blue collar, you name it, the people just go nuts when she's up there, even though 99% of them will be better off under the Obama tax plan than the one McCain offers.

Some of it may be cultural issues, sure. If all you care about is abortion, then you knew who you wanted to vote for three years ago. Everything else is nebulous, from the war in Iraq to the economy, although most people seem to agree that Obama actually has a plan that could help our country and its people.

An aside: Have you seen these bumper stickers?

Do you think they'll still count if Obama wins?

But back to Palin, the reaction to her, from people who would be poorly served by her ticket's victory is visceral. Perhaps even a little lower, to be specific.

Let me be blunt: A lot of the men hootin' and hollerin' during her speeches just want to bang the bejeezus out of her.

That's fine, really. It's not great for the country, but it's honest, and I can live with that. Just don't pretend that McCain made a responsible choice in picking her, and I won't criticize you for having a hanging chad about her. I freely admit, she's hot. But this may not be her year.

So, if it doesn't work out for Team Maverick, there's always 2012 for Sarah. If she is as smart as I suspect she is, she'll get back to Alaska, study like hell, and be prepared for the exams that will start late in 2011. She could make herself mentally qualified for office, notwithstanding her bizarre fear of witches.


But 2012 is four years away. If Obama wins and does well, she may not want to be the sacrificial lamb against an incumbent. That leaves us in 2016.

Eight years is a long time. Again, she may use this time to vastly improve herself in the foreign policy arena, as well as become conversant about education, science, ecology, the environment, how many baseball teams are in Pennsylvania, the Constitution, you name it. There are a lot of ways she could become truly formidable if she works hard and studies. I have no reason to believe that she isn't capable of this kind of improvement. But let me ask you this, rabid Palin partisans:

Are you still going to want to fuck her in eight years?

If that's a portion of what makes her "intriguing" to you as a candidate, how are you going to feel about her when she's 52 and is losing her looks? Or will she just be another mouthy broad who needs to get her ass back to the kitchen once the Neiman-Marcus wardrobe begins needing to be let out a few sizes?


I can't imagine why she'd end up with pancakes on her head, but I can't see the future any more clearly than anyone else. I hope she does stick around, and tries to make something of herself. I hope she tries to shortcut her path to legitimacy by flirting, winking, acidic sarcasm, and continuing to backstab her mentors as she's done since she first entered local politics. And I hope cameras will be rolling to see her face the first time someone says to her, "Aren't kind of old to behave this way, ma'am?"

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posted at 1:39 PM

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Saturday, October 11, 2008
I Remember That Guy

Anyone watching the news over the past ten days knows two things about the election coming up:

John McCain seems to be falling behind.

Barack Obama is a terrorist.

These two developments are connected. As the economy dives closer and closer to an "Apples For Sale" level, Americans are increasingly frightened. From everything I've read, and the little I actually understand, you damned well ought to be.

Because we're a diverse people, we also have unresolved wars in Iraq, a joke of a health care system, prison overcrowding, an addiction to petroleum, and a score of other issues that should have been taken on by a competent government, but I don't feel like looking backward again to the past, when I should be telling the American people what I'm going to do for them.

I'll try to get to that.

Now, however, the country is nervous, jumpy, and an emotional powder keg ready to be set off by the smallest spark. I suppose that's why it's so astounding that John McCain, a man whose political career has dealt often in common sense, has decided to allow his campaign to brand an American citizen, a United States Senator, and a man with tremendous achievements, as a terrorist, or at the very least, a terrorist sympathizer.

At McCain and Palin rallies over the past couple of weeks, barely veiled assertions have been thrown regarding Obama's relationship with a man named William Ayres. Bill Ayres was a member of a terrorist group that did some depicable things, this is true. Ayres and Obama did work together on the board of a charitable organization. Ergo, Obama pals around with terrorists.

Never mind that Ayres' group did their deeds when Obama was 8 years old, the Senator is a terrorist, and you should be scared. And because the final line of our national anthem is now just wishful thinking, it worked.

McCain and Palin rallies have been increasingly hostile, with yelps from the crowd of "terrorist!" "traitor!" and cries of "Kill him!" The campaign has actively bred a mob, and it is a mob they have on their hands. Some footage from a Palin rally:



As a person born and raised in Ohio, I am completely embarrassed by this footage. I spent over twenty years in the state, and I do not know who these people are. They appear to be willfully ignorant, frightened, and in the case of the woman who keeps jumping in front of the camera, mildly retarded. I know these people exist in every state in the country, and in every part of the world, but I'm still mortified.

Friday, at a McCain town hall in a hall in some town in Minnesota, McCain took questions:



I was flipping around the TV that day, and Chris Matthews was commenting on all of this, noting that McCain's actions at this rally reminded us of what it is we used to really love about John McCain. He's right. We finally get to see a glimmer of the man a lot of us wanted to vote for in 2000 before McCain's campaign was sandbagged by the same people whom he has hired to run his current campaign. His poll numbers will probably react favorably.

Matthews' effusive praise reminded me of something else.

A favorite movie of mine is Quiz Show, which was about the quiz show scandals on American television in the 1950s. The gist of it is, a college professor and son of a prominent family, Charles Van Doren, goes on one of these shows, finds out that it's rigged, and even though he knows better, plays along anyway. He becomes wealthy and beloved across the country, and as an investigation reaches fever pitch, he testifies before Congress.



At the conclusion of the speech, Professor Van Doren is praised by the senators on the committee for the "guts it took" to admit the truth, and for being so forthright. The politicians are effusive with praise for Van Doren's admission of wrongdoing. Just as the lovefest begins to spiral out of control, a congressman from upstate New York, Steven Derounian, said the following:

"Mr Van Doren, I'm also from New York. A different part of New York. I'm happy that you made the statement, but I cannot agree with most of my colleagues. You see I don't think an adult of your intelligence ought to be commended for simply, at long last, telling the truth."

You started this fire, Senator McCain. I'm not going to thank you for spitting on it now.

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posted at 9:36 AM

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Friday, October 03, 2008
VP Debate

Pretty good, and about what I expected. Biden has plenty of experience an a masterful command of the facts, and Palin knew her answers well enough to not freeze up, even when some of those answers had nothing to do with the question posed.

People seemed to like Palin's folksiness, and that has been her strong suit, definitely. Even when the candidates first entered the stage, she could be overheard asking Senator Biden if it was all right if she called him Joe. I didn't realize until later what that was actually about.

The line that she delivered that seemed to enrapture her groupies the most was when she chided Biden for noticing that, while time only moves forward, we as humans have the capacity to recall things that have happened before. Sometimes, we even make the connection between present circumstances and things in the past that led to them. I find it a useful quality, which keeps me from putting my hand down on a hot stove ever again. Not so the governor of Alaska:

"Say it ain't so, Joe, there you go again pointing backwards again. You preferenced your whole comment with the Bush administration. Now doggone it, let's look ahead and tell Americans what we have to plan to do for them in the future."

Now, the worst part of that is how transparently stupid this notion is. It seems like we might go ahead and let Wall Street do whatever the hell they want now, since remembering that they just destroyed the economy is "backward-looking."

The most pathetic thing about her answer is that it revealed how utterly scripted Governor Palin was. She was ready to recite it for over an hour. And she knew she couldn't deliver it effectively, unless she first received Senator Biden's permission to call him Joe.

Palin did fine last night, and if you're comfortable with that, vote for that ticket. If you realize, as many did, that her performance last night is the absolute best that she's capable of, you may still have grave concerns. Like many other politicians, when she has a script to work from, she's quite good. I, however, looking to the past for lessons, worry about how this sort of politician reacts when the script is gone, and no one is telling them what to do.

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posted at 7:03 AM

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Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Hail To The Chieftess

We are seven weeks from a historic (not "an historic, morons) election. For the first time in the history of this country, a black man has been nominated for the top spot, and also for the first time, the Republicans have put a woman on the ticket for vice president. The polls are all very close, and anyone who claims to know what's going to happen is full of crap.

Speaking as one who is full of crap, if I had a gun to my head, and my life depended on picking the winner of the election, I would have to say McCain/Palin. I'm not thrilled by this idea, but at the moment, I think it's likely. Hopefully, the next seven weeks will be instructive to the American voter as to what the candidates are about, and who they're in bed with.

Assuming I'm right, John McCain will be sworn in as president next January. Assuming actuarial tables are right, Sarah Palin will be sworn in as president at some point after that. I'm not being morbid here, it's simply that John McCain, statistically speaking, has nearly reached his life expectancy. Voting for McCain is, in reality voting for Sarah Palin to be president, if not on January 20th, at some point in the future.

I do not mention this to scare the hell out of you. I am merely amused that the first female President of the United States is very likely not going to be Hillary Clinton. And that it's largely Hillary's own fault.

Hillary Clinton has spent most of the last two years attempting to frighten people on the subject of Barack Obama. He's inexperienced! He's like Jesse Jackson! He's the son of a single mother on food stamps and an elitist! And, Senator Clinton, is Barack Obama a Muslim?

"Not as far as I know."

Fuck you, Hillary.

The upshot of her disgusting campaign is largely that it provided John McCain with a blueprint on how to attack Barack Obama in the general election campaign. Now to be fair, McCain is fighting a far dirtier campaign, not even bothering to consider the truth when giving speeches or buying campaign advertising. Even the imbecile lapdog media has noticed that most of what the McCain camp is saying is utterly false, but Senator McCain, the man I'd have enthusiastically voted for eight years ago, doesn't give a damn. He just wants to win, and he's even got Karl Rove, the man who trashed McCain's reputation in South Carolina in 2000, on his payroll.

Just win, grandpa.

He may win, again thanks to the groundwork laid by the Clintons. If McCain does win, and Palin does ascend to the presidency, her inadequacies will be made horrifyingly apparent. America will go another fifty years without seriously considering a female candidate for president. Hillary Clinton will reap what she has sown, and will leave as her legacy nothing more than being the strongly feminist first lady who didn't leave her husband after he cheated on her in front of the entire world.

Get off of your ass, Hillary. Start figuring out how you're going to get Barack Obama elected president, or get comfortable with the idea that your moment, the only thing that has mattered to you in the last thirty years, the thing that you feel is your right, will never happen. Sarah Palin will be the first female president, and you'll be Lady Bird Johnson.

It's your legacy, stupid.

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posted at 11:19 AM

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Monday, September 01, 2008
Whiskey Tango

A lot of people have been talking non-stop about John McCain's vice-presidential pick, and with good reason. She's a woman. She's good-looking. She's got no experience. She has a baby with Down's Syndrome. Her husband is part Eskimo. She shoots guns, but never at fetuses. She's a fundamentalist Christian. And these are just her political stances. What about Sarah Palin's life outside of politics, which is to say, 98% of who she is?

The big rumor this week was that her infant son may have actually been her 17 year-old daughter's kid, and the governor claimed it was her own to avoid stigmatizing young Bristol. Utterly ridiculous, a mean-spirited allegation, and impossible, seeing as how the sweet young Palin girl is already five months pregnant. This would be a crass time to mention that abstinence-based sexual education for teenagers might not be all that effective, so I won't.

But even with this revelation, McCain is still a genius.

The key to winning an election is getting more votes (US Presidential elections, notwithstanding), and you have to appeal to large blocs of people. Soccer moms, NASCAR dads, auto-erotic asphyxiation uncles, you name it. By selecting Sarah Palin, John McCain has sent an online greeting card to the most massive group in America: White trash.

Who relates better to statuatory rape and shotgun weddings? With any luck, young Bristol could marry her teenage groom in the Rose Garden at the White House in January 2009! What a fantastic way to let the country and the world know that we've moved beyond regular guy hillbilly presidents, and just given up entirely by putting the people we see involved in domestic abuse calls on COPS into our vice-presidential mansion.

You can hope it ends up all cool and hip like Juno, but that's not how they spell it in Alaska.

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posted at 11:26 PM

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