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Saturday, May 19, 2007
A Thousand Dollars

I was at McDonalds earlier today, because I was in the mood for crap. I like crap sometimes, and with that being said, I ordered a Minty Mudd Bath shake. It was delicious, although the color more resembled phlegm than anything else.

As I was ordering, I heard two impressively loud belches from behind me in the seating area. Now, to no one's surprise, I am amused by bodily noises, although more so in the privacy of my home than where others are eating. So, I turn around to look at the guy, and I just wanted to cry.

I get my cup of sputum, and go sit down. The belching guy is still there, although now he is talking in an unnaturally loud voice to his dining companions, one of whom appeared to be a friend, and the other his classy lady. The few chunks of witticism that I understand are bellowed in full white trash-speak, and I am unable to tear my eyes from this man's face. I would guess he was between twenty and twenty-five. He was fully un-self aware. I did a quick estimate of his IQ at 85, tops.

Don't think that this is a simple case of intellectual snobbery on my part. The average IQ of human beings is 100, and by default, half of the people in the world have an IQ less of than that. One out of every two people you see every day is below average. It's not a judgment, only statistics.

After the party had finished its post-meal conversation, belching guy and his girlfriend displayed no uncertain affection for one another, and the urge to weep overcame me once again.

These two are going to reproduce.

I am not a wealthy man, let's be clear about that. But I was honestly very close to walking over to their table and making the following offer:

"I would like you to join me at an attorney's office on Monday. We will draw up a contract which all parties will sign, to the effect that if neither one of you has any children in the next five years, I will at the end of that period pay you one thousand dollars."

I could save a thousand dollars in five years, I'm pretty sure, and I think maybe other people might even contribute to my new cause. But a grand isn't that much money, really, so I thought maybe ten thousand might be better, not that I could afford it.

But what about the government?

We are tested all the time in schools, graded, evaluated, you name it. The government knows who the morons are out there. Why can't we offer people money to not breed, at least in the short term? This isn't sterilization, it's not permanent, and it's not eugenics. Can't we simply pay the least capable would-be-parents to at least hold off until they are a little more mature? Can't we put off the production of some stupid babies for a little while? At least in the woman's case, we narrow the window of fecundity a bit. She may still end up with eight kids, but she'll have a hard time making it to twelve if she waives five of her childbearing years.

The savings would become evident very quickly. I am not criticizing people without health insurance, as I frequently fall into this group. But it isn't people who work for Fortune 500 companies who get knocked up without insurance, an income or some means of support.

Ten grand, tax free at the end of five years, just for not having kids. This is a good deal, for the stupid, and for America.

If anyone has any idea how the hell you start up a government pilot program, please leave a comment. And if you have any idea of how to write up the proposal without using the word "morons," that will help, too. Many thanks.

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posted at 7:28 PM

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