Can I kick it? No, you can't.

I went to see The Transformers movie over the weekend. If I may quote Abraham Lincoln on the way out of Ford's Theatre, "It could have been worse. I might have been watching The Transformers."

If that wasn't clear enough, this movie is a piece of shit.

It's too bad, really, because I loved the show when I was a kid. I used to record it on a device known as a VCR, just so I wouldn't miss it. And I'm not writing this as some lameass fanboy, who wants to point out ways that the movie "wasn't true to the spirit of the show," blah blah blah.

I can't stand those people. Get a life.

It just sucked, honestly.

There's a scene where Shia Labeouf and his hot girlfriend are looking for a pair of glasses in his room. The reason they need them isn't important, but given that I sat down prepared to suspend my disbelief for the duration of the movie (Robots that turn into cars? That could never happen!), I'm going with it. This scene feels like it lasts for an hour. There are three or four giant robots stamping around in the yard, his parents are interrogating him, and apparently none of the neighbors is concerned about the 5.7 level tremors caused every time one of these Autobots ducks under the rose bushes.

And the Labeouf kid is actually pretty engaging and likable. I don't recall seeing him in anything else, but I can honestly say he looks like the offspring of Wil Wheaton and Russel Crowe. I know that sounds crazy, but that's just how it is.

Anyway, there's plenty of action, which is fine, but if I may offer a tip for the inevitable sequel, when you have two 50 foot tall robots smashing into one another and rolling in the street, maybe the extreme closeup isn't the best angle to use. I couldn't tell what the hell was going on half the time. Pull back, man! It was all a blur, and a sucky blur at that.

"Sucky" is not a word. This is what I'm reduced to.

The other thing that was just irritating was the product placement, and there was plenty of it. I've learned to put up with the fact that I have to pay ten bucks to get in, then I have to sit through five or ten minutes of commercials. Not trailers for upcoming movies (you know, commercials), but ads for Coke, AT&T Wireless and so forth. Fine, complaining won't matter anyway.

But The Transformers is a two-hour ad for General Motors, which can't seem to get cars into American garages, but sure must've paid handsomely to get them on screen. And almost every time a car got smashed close up, it seemed like it was a BMW. I could care less whose cars get crushed on screen, but considering that GM had to pay for their time on camera, and BMW likely got full price for the ones they got in, well, I suppose that's another reason while GM teeters on the brink of being taken over by Toyota.

The movie also serves as a nifty military recruiting ad, with plenty of handsome dudes blasting away with enormous weaponry. Had I been fifteen this week, I'd have run straight to the Army office to sign up.

"You kicked Decepticon ass? I wanna blow up some ragheads who hate my freedoms!"

Really, this film just sucked. There were continuity problems, things that didn't really seem to make any sense, and I'm sure it'll make more money than any other movie this year.

http://www.dyson.com/homepage.asp

I'm totally hooked on the concept of using this thing all over the house, and then running outside and yelling, "Look at all this shit I had in the carpet! Can you believe it?" And then I'll run back inside and repeat the process several dozen times. I feel like a complete dink.

And then I'll get bored with it, because after all, it's a fucking vacuum cleaner. I won't have buyer's remorse, because it's still a pretty damned good item to have around, but I just know I'll have occasional thoughts like, "I could have flown to Hawaii," or, "If I had bought a gun, I could have forced someone to pick up all the shit on my floor, and possibly make me dinner, too."

But seriously, can you believe this thing? LOOK AT IT. It's easily the coolest household appliance ever, and the sonofabitch really works. NO BAGS, MAN! I'm not made of stone, here. This Dyson guy has really done something, and now he's gonna get a whole bunch of my money. But he earned it, because I'll have this vacuum cleaner from the future, and I'll tell my kids about it someday.

"That's right. Instead of investing that 500 dollars, and using the compound interest to pay for your college education, I got this way bitchin' vacuum cleaner, and feel free to use it in your shitty menial job that you'll probably get cleaning up motel rooms."

George W. Bush is still an elitist dickbag, and I hope it rains like hell on his wasteful, expensive horseshit inaugural festivities.

Oh, man it felt good to say that. I'm gonna go send an English guy 500 dollars for his vacuum cleaner.

Sunday, July 08, 2007

Wednesday, January 19, 2005