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Friday, October 05, 2012
Death Penalty Redux
It's been eight years since I wrote about the death penalty, and my opinion overall really hasn't changed for the most part. The salient points:
- It doesn't really serve as a deterrent, because no one seems that concerned about it.
- There's good evidence that innocent people were executed, either because of new DNA evidence or malfeasance by police and/or prosecutors.
- Even if you can get someone sentenced to death, it's at least 15 years before anyone ever gets around to it. It's really terribly costly, all told.
I believe that if you have incontrovertible evidence of a crime, video, DNA, more than ten eyewitnesses, I mean really ironclad stuff, then go ahead and kill the guy. If shaky eyewitness testimony or circumstantial evidence comes into play, then the death penalty is off the table.
To the point of its misapplication, the evidentiary threshold shouldn't only be applied to capital murder cases. It should apply to particularly brutal assaults, major financial crimes, rape, and especially child rape.
What I know of pedophiles is that it seems as though many would, if a therapy was available or a switch could be thrown to stop the urges, would gladly do it. Most pedophiles don't want to be pedophiles. (This isn't to excuse any of the behavior.) My point is that these guys are wired a certain way, and no amount of therapy or threat of prison is going to stop them from doing what they do. If the proof meets the high bar, then execute him. Give him the mandatory appeal, but if he's ruled against, he has 48 hours to get his affairs in order.
If you want to know how high a bar I'm setting for proof, I'll put it this way: Without knowing nearly all the details of the case, and based solely on what I've read, Jerry Sandusky wouldn't qualify for execution. As far as I know, there isn't any proof other than one eyewitness and that of the victims. There's no visual or auditory proof, and no DNA that I'm aware of. If I'm wrong about the scarcity of more ironclad evidence, then I gladly nominate that scumbag for the end of a rope.
The same applies for the other types of crimes I mentioned, and probably a bunch more. A guy who beats the hell out of his wife and kids was probably beaten as a child by his parents, and his own kids are going to end up beating their own children. Just end it. Break the chain, and let's put the defective genes to bed.
There are certain people who cannot be rehabilitated or fixed. Given that even rapists who were "chemically castrated" still found ways to commit sexual crimes, there's just no point to keeping these people around if they've been proven guilty to the degree I've described.
I'm not a liberal, I'm not a conservative, I'm a rationalist. My views and opinions are based solely on what makes sense. You can argue with me about this if you want, just so you know, you're wrong.
Labels: America, Bill of Rights, brutality, crime, death penalty, genetics, reality, the Constitution, torture, victim
posted at 12:29 AM
1 comments
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Occupy Wall Street - 15 November
The police have trashed the Occupy camp in Liberty Park. They certainly must feel justified, other wise, why would you do it at 2am, and ban the press, even from the airspace above the park?
When a riot occurs, it is good to ask, "Which side came dressed for one?"
The police have a job to do, but I suspect that most of them understand that in a country that now vilifies teachers as pampered and elite, that the firemen and cops will be next. You're in a union, too, officer.
The movement has been non-violent for the most part, there are always some dumbasses. I'm one of those dumbasses, because I can't imagine how anything changes without a lot of men in expensive, tailored suits hanging from lamp posts in lower Manhattan. It's time these criminals put some skin in the game.
When a riot occurs, it is good to ask, "Which side came dressed for one?"
The police have a job to do, but I suspect that most of them understand that in a country that now vilifies teachers as pampered and elite, that the firemen and cops will be next. You're in a union, too, officer.
The movement has been non-violent for the most part, there are always some dumbasses. I'm one of those dumbasses, because I can't imagine how anything changes without a lot of men in expensive, tailored suits hanging from lamp posts in lower Manhattan. It's time these criminals put some skin in the game.
Labels: Bill of Rights, crime, freedom, Occupy, Wall Street bailout
posted at 12:42 AM
0 comments
Saturday, January 17, 2009
The Transfer
Tuesday will be a momentous day, as one president leaves office, and another assumes responsibility. As much as I've wished for a coup in the past eight years, I'm still kind of proud that we manage to make changes like these without bloodshed. We've done it this way longer than most.
The worst president in my lifetime will head back to Texas, which would be considered a punishment in many circles. But he will live richly, and his lackeys will cast a wide net over the oil-producing regions to raise money to build his presidential library. The first lady, in her younger days, was a librarian, but there is a great deal of doubt as to whether George W. Bush would even consider setting foot in a library, even one bearing his name. One may tempt him with a complete bound collection of Highlights magazine, but discerning the literary tastes of a man more Goofus than Gallant is not easy.
But what this monument to arrogance will not contain will be any hint of second-guessing, admission of mistake, and certainly evidence of responsibility taken for the damage done to the United States, in both the physical and mental senses, not to mention to the reputation of this nation as a country of laws. I hope the president will be buried in his Mausoleum of Thought, and right soon.
The Bush administration has an endless list of crimes for which it is responsible. It has been relatively easy for the ever-increasing throngs in this country who have turned their backs on the failed dreams of a bankrupt ideology to pin blame where it belongs. It took a great deal of looking the other way on the part of the press and citizenry of this nation to allow such outrages to be perpetrated in our names, but on Tuesday one thing changes:
Bush crimes become American crimes.
At noon Eastern time on Tuesday, the people of this country, and the Obama administration do not begin a new history, we merely continue one. Over the past few months, administration officials and others in a position to know have said in no uncertain terms that this country has tortured people. There is no longer any need to use euphemisms, the word is out there, and the word is "torture." We have unofficially admitted to officially sanctioned war crimes.
The new Attorney General, Eric Holder, when asked at his confirmation hearing whether or not waterboarding is torture, stated unequivocally that is. As the highest ranking law official in the United States, his responsibility is simply to apply the measure of the law to people in this country. No one is above it, no one is exempt. He will take his cues from the new president on what to do with the evidence that exists, and that which still requires investigation.
Barack Obama is reticent to start a cycle of the new gang going after the old gang, which, practically speaking is sensible. In this case, he simply has no choice but to allow the Justice Department to freely investigate the heinous crimes of the Bush administration. There are two simple reasons:
This country can not be allowed to sink to the depths of third-rate dictatorships, where whomever is in charge can make arbitrary decisions about what the law means, and whom it applies to.
If these crimes are not prosecuted, they will serve as precedent for the next time it happens.
And there is always a next time.
The United States has made a much-needed course correction, but it has not done anything to fix the damage done. I beg of you, President Obama, for the greater good of the American ideal, and that of justice, investigate, investigate, investigate. Anything less is tacit approval and continuation of the crimes of the Bush presidency. That is not change. And I cannot ever believe in it.
Labels: Barack Obama, Bush, crime, the Constitution
posted at 5:34 PM
0 comments
Monday, April 09, 2007
April Fool's Day +16
Congress was out of town last week for Easter and whatnot, but some people in the government were hard at work. That makes me feel good, as a citizen and a taxpayer. Even better, the workaholic I speak of is the highest-ranking law official in these United States, the head of the Department of Justice. More justice? I'm all for it.
But doesn't the Attorney General need a break, too? There are a lot of reasons to think so, naturally. But Alberto Gonzales, in fact, does not need a vacation, at least based on his statements regarding the firings of federal prosecutors last year. He claimed that he didn't know about them, didn't get into all the day-to-day workings at Justice, and after all, how could he? He's only the top guy there. The good news is, he is well-rested, and needs no time off.
But what could he possibly have to do in Washington last week, while most of the city was at half-speed? I'm sure he could have put extra effort in to the War On Drugs, which makes the War On Terror look like a runaway success. No time, as it turns out. The Attorney General spent his vacation rehearsing testimony for his scheduled testimony before the Senate Judiciary Committee on April 17th. And all he got was this lousy t-shirt.
I don't know why the thought Alberto Gonzales cramming to get his story straight makes me laugh, but it does. Gonzales has appeared before the Senate in the past, and every time, this seemingly very sharp lawyer gets his ass handed to him. I suppose it amuses me because I know that all of these people are liars, but with Alberto, it's just so damned obvious. The best part is, he appears to believe (like his boss) that no one will bother to check up on him, and compare what he says to the facts. Again and again, he says one thing, and is contradicted by overwhelming evidence to the contrary. Now, I'm not saying he's a liar, but I do have this photo of him with his pants on fire.
That being said, Gonzales is hard at work, preparing to give testimony which will clear up all of the shenanigans going on at Justice. The bad news is that his chief of staff, D. Kyle Sampson, has already testified to the effect that Alberto may have, in previous statements, and forgive the legalese here, lied through his teeth.
We are left with two competing visions of Alberto Gonzales:
1) He's a petty political hack who is more interested in serving George W. Bush and the Republican party than in doing his job, which is to oversee the law in the United States.
2) He's a great guy, just horribly incompetent.
I suppose it could be both, but I'd like to give him more credit than that.
Currently, he is now practicing, rehearsing his lines, so that this time, unlike past appearances, he will know the facts, be prepared and polished, and come off like a regular pillar of virtue. What's fun though, is that from what I hear, it's not going well. Gonzales can't seem to keep track of the timeline, and he contradicts himself.
One lesson I've learned in life is that as much fun as it is to lie, there is the inconvenient problem of needing to keep track of the lies. It's a pain in the ass, and unless you're some sort of pathological genius, it's just too much work. Score one for the truth, the last refuge for the lazy.
Alberto is not lazy. He is working long days to get ready for his appearance, and you may read into that what you will. He is in large measure working alone. One reason is due to the fact that so many of his aides will be called as witnesses, and he is not allowed to discuss these matters with them. The other reason is that the people that the White House sent over to advise him have gotten so exasperated with the AG, that they have all but thrown up their hands in futility.
Gonzales is also clearly being cut loose by the GOP, with the exception of Bush, who never fires anyone until years after it becomes obvious that they are doing a terrible job. No one is interested in defending yet another corrupt Bush Administration cabinet official, and I can't blame them. It's quite gratifying to watch this White House, which managed to keep a lid for so long on rampant incompetence through blind loyalty and a feckless Congress, suddenly become utterly unable to manage anything without leaving a sense of criminality, or the stench of a complete absence of ethics.
Set your DVR, there's blood in the water.
But doesn't the Attorney General need a break, too? There are a lot of reasons to think so, naturally. But Alberto Gonzales, in fact, does not need a vacation, at least based on his statements regarding the firings of federal prosecutors last year. He claimed that he didn't know about them, didn't get into all the day-to-day workings at Justice, and after all, how could he? He's only the top guy there. The good news is, he is well-rested, and needs no time off.
But what could he possibly have to do in Washington last week, while most of the city was at half-speed? I'm sure he could have put extra effort in to the War On Drugs, which makes the War On Terror look like a runaway success. No time, as it turns out. The Attorney General spent his vacation rehearsing testimony for his scheduled testimony before the Senate Judiciary Committee on April 17th. And all he got was this lousy t-shirt.
I don't know why the thought Alberto Gonzales cramming to get his story straight makes me laugh, but it does. Gonzales has appeared before the Senate in the past, and every time, this seemingly very sharp lawyer gets his ass handed to him. I suppose it amuses me because I know that all of these people are liars, but with Alberto, it's just so damned obvious. The best part is, he appears to believe (like his boss) that no one will bother to check up on him, and compare what he says to the facts. Again and again, he says one thing, and is contradicted by overwhelming evidence to the contrary. Now, I'm not saying he's a liar, but I do have this photo of him with his pants on fire.
That being said, Gonzales is hard at work, preparing to give testimony which will clear up all of the shenanigans going on at Justice. The bad news is that his chief of staff, D. Kyle Sampson, has already testified to the effect that Alberto may have, in previous statements, and forgive the legalese here, lied through his teeth.
We are left with two competing visions of Alberto Gonzales:
1) He's a petty political hack who is more interested in serving George W. Bush and the Republican party than in doing his job, which is to oversee the law in the United States.
2) He's a great guy, just horribly incompetent.
I suppose it could be both, but I'd like to give him more credit than that.
Currently, he is now practicing, rehearsing his lines, so that this time, unlike past appearances, he will know the facts, be prepared and polished, and come off like a regular pillar of virtue. What's fun though, is that from what I hear, it's not going well. Gonzales can't seem to keep track of the timeline, and he contradicts himself.
One lesson I've learned in life is that as much fun as it is to lie, there is the inconvenient problem of needing to keep track of the lies. It's a pain in the ass, and unless you're some sort of pathological genius, it's just too much work. Score one for the truth, the last refuge for the lazy.
Alberto is not lazy. He is working long days to get ready for his appearance, and you may read into that what you will. He is in large measure working alone. One reason is due to the fact that so many of his aides will be called as witnesses, and he is not allowed to discuss these matters with them. The other reason is that the people that the White House sent over to advise him have gotten so exasperated with the AG, that they have all but thrown up their hands in futility.
Gonzales is also clearly being cut loose by the GOP, with the exception of Bush, who never fires anyone until years after it becomes obvious that they are doing a terrible job. No one is interested in defending yet another corrupt Bush Administration cabinet official, and I can't blame them. It's quite gratifying to watch this White House, which managed to keep a lid for so long on rampant incompetence through blind loyalty and a feckless Congress, suddenly become utterly unable to manage anything without leaving a sense of criminality, or the stench of a complete absence of ethics.
Set your DVR, there's blood in the water.
Labels: Alberto Gonzales, Bush, civil liberties, crime
posted at 10:20 AM
1 comments
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
Oh, he's guilty
Alberto Gonzales, that is.
I know this, because the president has offered his unqualified support.
Earlier today, in regard to the firings of the US Attorneys, Bush said that "there is no indication that anybody did anything improper," and that the Democrats were more interested in "scoring political points" than finding out what actually happened.
I feel confident that the Democrats can manage both.
The fun part is when George says things like "It will be regrettable if they choose to head down the partisan road of issuing subpoenas and demanding show trials when I have agreed to make key White House officials and documents available."
Oversight. That is one of Congress' most important functions. What the president has offered in what he calls a "compromise," is to allow the people in his administration behind the scandal, Karl Rove and Harriet Miers, to testify before the Senate, behind closed doors, and only if they are not under oath.
Well, nothing fishy about that, yeah?
Everything is above board, everyone is doing their jobs legally, and yet no one can talk about it with cameras rolling, or after first swearing to tell the truth. I would like a similar deal next time I have to testify or fill out a legal document.
Bush's stance is not surprising, of course. He is not one to think, or look at the facts. He believes. He believes that Alberto Gonzales is doing a great job, he believes that we are winning in Iraq, he believes that God has endorsed his policies, he believes that the poor deserve what they get, he believes that education is for losers, he believes that might makes right, he believes that the Bible is literal truth, and he believes that the US Constitution is inconvenient. George believes a lot of things that are unsupported in fact and reality, and likely believes that neither of his daughters has HPV.
These things happen.
So, I don't know what's going to happen next, because if Rumsfeld can be thrown under the bus, then anything is possible. But I hope the Congress has the balls to ferret out the truth on this matter, and all of the other scandals this administration has authored. And feel free to take your time. If the president wants to drag this out into an election year, his party can pay the price. His insistence on delaying victory in Iraq will likely do him in, but the myriad of criminal activity will be the icing on the cake.
Remember the way the Democrats treated Jimmy Carter after he left office? Imagine the antipathy multiplied by ten, and that's George W. Bush's legacy with the GOP.
I know this, because the president has offered his unqualified support.
Earlier today, in regard to the firings of the US Attorneys, Bush said that "there is no indication that anybody did anything improper," and that the Democrats were more interested in "scoring political points" than finding out what actually happened.
I feel confident that the Democrats can manage both.
The fun part is when George says things like "It will be regrettable if they choose to head down the partisan road of issuing subpoenas and demanding show trials when I have agreed to make key White House officials and documents available."
Oversight. That is one of Congress' most important functions. What the president has offered in what he calls a "compromise," is to allow the people in his administration behind the scandal, Karl Rove and Harriet Miers, to testify before the Senate, behind closed doors, and only if they are not under oath.
Well, nothing fishy about that, yeah?
Everything is above board, everyone is doing their jobs legally, and yet no one can talk about it with cameras rolling, or after first swearing to tell the truth. I would like a similar deal next time I have to testify or fill out a legal document.
Bush's stance is not surprising, of course. He is not one to think, or look at the facts. He believes. He believes that Alberto Gonzales is doing a great job, he believes that we are winning in Iraq, he believes that God has endorsed his policies, he believes that the poor deserve what they get, he believes that education is for losers, he believes that might makes right, he believes that the Bible is literal truth, and he believes that the US Constitution is inconvenient. George believes a lot of things that are unsupported in fact and reality, and likely believes that neither of his daughters has HPV.
These things happen.
So, I don't know what's going to happen next, because if Rumsfeld can be thrown under the bus, then anything is possible. But I hope the Congress has the balls to ferret out the truth on this matter, and all of the other scandals this administration has authored. And feel free to take your time. If the president wants to drag this out into an election year, his party can pay the price. His insistence on delaying victory in Iraq will likely do him in, but the myriad of criminal activity will be the icing on the cake.
Remember the way the Democrats treated Jimmy Carter after he left office? Imagine the antipathy multiplied by ten, and that's George W. Bush's legacy with the GOP.
Labels: Alberto Gonzales, Bush, crime, Iraq, Rumsfeld
posted at 4:40 PM
0 comments
Friday, December 16, 2005
"You can...trust me."
Hm hm hm hm...suckers.
Hm hm hm hm...suckers.
Earlier today, the Senate rejected attempts to renew several provisions of the so-called USA Patriot Act. The portions with which most people seem to be concerned deal with roving wiretaps, and secret warrants for books, records and other items from businesses, hospitals and organizations such as libraries. These are areas where serious abuses could, and apparently have, occurred.
We know this, because no lesser human than the President of the United States personally authorized secretive eavesdropping in the United States more than three dozen times since October 2001. These cases involved allowing the NSA to monitor phone calls and the email of thousands of Americans. As I understand it, that's illegal.
The truly astounding thing is, I'm not even certain that either of these is the big story this week.
Now, I know that the president has as his prerogative, the right to pardon criminals and commute sentences and so forth. You'll see a flurry of activity of this type in early 2009, just you wait and see. Bush will have a lot of buddies who want out of jail.
At the moment, that scumbag without peer, Tom DeLay, stands charged with felony counts of money laundering. He is scheduled to go to trial soon, and have his case heard by a jury, which you older readers may recall, is the American way. But what if...
What if you were good friends with the president? What if you had done him a lot of favors over the years? What if perhaps, the very crime with which you were charged was actually part of a strategy to aid the president? Could you avoid the indignity of being judged by your peers?
Maybe, but it would look bad. Bush could lean on your persecutors and get them to drop the charges, but people would still assume you were guilty. And waiting for the president to leave office is just too far in the future. Time in jail is an unacceptable option. Couldn't we just declare Tom DeLay innocent?
Ha! YES! We can!
The President, just yesterday, when asked about his opinion on Tom DeLay, let it be known that he believes the man is innocent of all charges. DeLay's trial is only weeks away, and George W. Bush, the President of the United States has made it clear that the current system of justice is antiquated, unnecessary, and as quaint as the Geneva Conventions.
Well, that's jury tampering.
Regular readers may have noted that I have tried to clean up the language a little bit in the blog. It's just a personal decision, to try and make my points without it. The language doesn't offend me, and I don't mind if others prefer to use it.
That being said, George Bush is an ongoing, and monumental fuck-up.
Either he is just laying the groundwork for his successor, and hoping that the next President will do what Ford did for Nixon, or he's the most ignorant person we've ever had in the White House. It's all the more frustrating, because DeLay was going to walk anyway, but no less than the Commander in Chief, and former governor of the state in which DeLay is to be tried, has declared the defendant "Not Guilty."
Over. Done. Enjoy the freedom to continue the activities which so clearly fall under the Racketeer Influenced and Corrupt Organizations Act.
My problem, I think, is that I don't believe in heaven or hell, really. I think you live, you die, and that's all you get. And that time is enough. What I'm getting at is that I don't believe there is a reward or penalty in the hereafter for actions, good or bad. So, Tom DeLay is not going to get what he so richly deserves for eternity. While I don't believe in things spiritual, I do believe in justice. All I really desire is true justice for the criminal acts that this man has perpetrated.
And thanks once again to the president, there isn't a jury in the United States that will be able to deliver.
We know this, because no lesser human than the President of the United States personally authorized secretive eavesdropping in the United States more than three dozen times since October 2001. These cases involved allowing the NSA to monitor phone calls and the email of thousands of Americans. As I understand it, that's illegal.
The truly astounding thing is, I'm not even certain that either of these is the big story this week.
Now, I know that the president has as his prerogative, the right to pardon criminals and commute sentences and so forth. You'll see a flurry of activity of this type in early 2009, just you wait and see. Bush will have a lot of buddies who want out of jail.
At the moment, that scumbag without peer, Tom DeLay, stands charged with felony counts of money laundering. He is scheduled to go to trial soon, and have his case heard by a jury, which you older readers may recall, is the American way. But what if...
What if you were good friends with the president? What if you had done him a lot of favors over the years? What if perhaps, the very crime with which you were charged was actually part of a strategy to aid the president? Could you avoid the indignity of being judged by your peers?
Maybe, but it would look bad. Bush could lean on your persecutors and get them to drop the charges, but people would still assume you were guilty. And waiting for the president to leave office is just too far in the future. Time in jail is an unacceptable option. Couldn't we just declare Tom DeLay innocent?
Ha! YES! We can!
The President, just yesterday, when asked about his opinion on Tom DeLay, let it be known that he believes the man is innocent of all charges. DeLay's trial is only weeks away, and George W. Bush, the President of the United States has made it clear that the current system of justice is antiquated, unnecessary, and as quaint as the Geneva Conventions.
Well, that's jury tampering.
Regular readers may have noted that I have tried to clean up the language a little bit in the blog. It's just a personal decision, to try and make my points without it. The language doesn't offend me, and I don't mind if others prefer to use it.
That being said, George Bush is an ongoing, and monumental fuck-up.
Either he is just laying the groundwork for his successor, and hoping that the next President will do what Ford did for Nixon, or he's the most ignorant person we've ever had in the White House. It's all the more frustrating, because DeLay was going to walk anyway, but no less than the Commander in Chief, and former governor of the state in which DeLay is to be tried, has declared the defendant "Not Guilty."
Over. Done. Enjoy the freedom to continue the activities which so clearly fall under the Racketeer Influenced and Corrupt Organizations Act.
My problem, I think, is that I don't believe in heaven or hell, really. I think you live, you die, and that's all you get. And that time is enough. What I'm getting at is that I don't believe there is a reward or penalty in the hereafter for actions, good or bad. So, Tom DeLay is not going to get what he so richly deserves for eternity. While I don't believe in things spiritual, I do believe in justice. All I really desire is true justice for the criminal acts that this man has perpetrated.
And thanks once again to the president, there isn't a jury in the United States that will be able to deliver.
Labels: Bush, crime, Patriot Act, Tom DeLay
posted at 11:12 PM
0 comments
Friday, April 08, 2005
Rock bottom? Fat chance.
Well, old Tom Delay has definitely taken a big suck on his canister of malathion, because he can't seem to do anything legal these days.
Congressional redistricting in Texas five years early? Howdy!
Foreign junkets paid for by the Russian government? Da! I mean, howdy!
Passing unconstitutional laws to appeal to reactionary Christians! Howdy!
Using Homeland Security resources to track down Texas legislators? Howdy!
Threatening judges with retribution, for protecting the law? How do you do!
There is absolutely no limit to what this righteous scumbag will do to further his own power. I suppose that in itself is not terribly unusual. The truly sickening thing is that no one from his party has had the balls to stand up and call him what he is: A criminal.
From trampling the Constitution, to running around, over and through campaign finance laws, this douche is so far removed from reality that he believes everything he does is right. I keep waiting for one, just one Republican congressman to stand up in open session during one of Tom's tirades and say, finally, "Have you no sense of decency sir, at long last? Have you left no sense of decency?"
Have we truly moved so far from the ability to see what is obvious, because we are blinded by party politics? It isn't simply because he's a Republican. There are lots of things to dislike about Democrats, Libertarians, Greens, you name it. Hell, I think John McCain is the guy who should be President right now, but I don't agree with everything he says. The point is, the Republican majority in the House is being led by a man with no ethics, and an apparently fleeting sense of what Americans believe. This is not a good man who has made some bad decisions. This is a rotten human being on a power trip rare even in Washington. He must be stopped, and it will only be possible if his colleagues swallow their own pride, and realize that they are light years off course, and can do better.
This level of hypocrisy cannot be tolerated, and there must be consequences.
Labels: crime, hypocrisy, power, Tom DeLay
posted at 10:52 AM
0 comments
Saturday, February 26, 2005
Crime Report
Here's something stupid that has been occupying my life in a small way for the past few weeks...
One of my jobs is at a place that operates 24 hours a day, and has four separate shifts. My group shares a workspace with the other three shifts, which is fine since there is very little overlap. Now, one of the workers on another shift had brought in a very nice Dilbert calendar at the start of the year, and hung it up. That's fine by me, I think Dilbert tends to be pretty funny.
The guy who brought in the calendar is not a guy I know very well. But since we work in the same area, I get a number of e-mails from him over the course of a week. These e-mails are invariably stunning from a visual standpoint. They have screenshots, and feature added circles and arrows to highlight whatever information the e-mail is referring to. I won't lie to you, I have no idea how to send an e-mail of this quality, and generally, I have no reason to. It's just as well, since I am easily the least qualified member of my team. Don't tell anyone.
As you might have guessed, e-mails of this type take awhile to put together, and the consensus among people in our area who know this guy better, is that this is what he does instead of actual work. So, while nobody wishes him dead, many of the women have nasty things to say about him. The men seem to mostly roll their eyes. So, my impression of this guy is somewhat skewed, but from other stories I hear, he's just kind of a needy dweeb. This is the kind of person whom I have a difficult time being congenial to. I'm kind of blunt, apparently.
So, about six weeks ago, I got one of these gorgeous e-mails. I sent it to the color printer, hung it up on the wall with the following note attached:
"Dear ___. We are planning to have this e-mail framed and matted, and we would appreciate it if you would please autograph it for us, to better serve as an inspiration toward excellence for us, your awed co-workers. We promise that it will not end up on E-Bay."
It went over pretty well with the people on my shift, but my supervisor, who is a good guy, took it down at the end of the week, because apparently, the target of my jab would have been shattered by my effrontery. I don't complain about it, since it was mainly for my own amusement anyhow.
Then, at the beginning of this month, the Dilbert calendar vanished. My initial thought was that a manager had seen it, found it contrary to the indomitable uplifting spirit of the many "Just Hang In There, Baby" cat poster variants you see in corporate boxopolises, and had taken it down. But realistically, said humorless manager would have asked a supervisor whose calendar it was and then sent a very bland e-mail to this guy asking him to remove it. That's how things work, I'm sure you've seen it in your workplace.
So, since a manager probably didn't take it down, the only other conclusion is that someone swiped it.
Again, people like the fuck with this guy, so the list of suspects is huge. And that's just within our work area. My guess is that others outside the group who have interacted with him probably are amused at the idea of sticking pins in this guy. Naturally, an e-mail ensues.
And it's so sad! No graphics, no bubbles, no arrows, not even his queer computer-generated cursive signature! Just, "if any one has seen my Dilbert calendar, please return it to a supervisor. Thank you." Naturally, we are in hysterics.
"Did you steal it?"
"No! Did you?"
"Don't be stupid. Maybe Kris took it."
"She says she didn't."
"Pretty fucking funny though."
So me, being helpful, I print out this very despondent e-mail, use a pen to draw up a very rudimentary February calendar in the space at the bottom, and hang it up where the calendar used to be. Problem solved!
From here, things actually improve. One of the women has a Marilyn Monroe calendar with some very nice black & white photos on it, and this month's shot is Marilyn holding a small dog. It's a lovely shot. My dear colleague Trina grabs the Sunday comics, cuts out the Dogbert character from the strip, and copies it on top of the Marilyn shot. The result is fucking hilarious, as she is now holding this cartoon dog. We hang it up where the Dilbert calendar used to be. I should take my digital camera to work so I can post a shot of it. It's just so damned stupid, but it's beyond funny.
From there, newspaper articles are altered to reflect the calendar theft, milk cartons are disfigured to show Dilbert on the side. It's rudimentary stuff, but as always, it beats the hell out of working. We don't get a lot of room for creativity at this place, although I work with some exceptionally smart and creative people. I'm not sure if they went wrong in the same way I did, but I'm still kind of new to the place. This is good for us, though, and I look forward to seeing what silliness the other shifts have wrought in my absence. They are a clever bunch mostly, although I'm not sure they have my taste for the jugular. But hell, nobody is perfect.
Labels: bastardry, crime, Dilbert, work
posted at 9:51 PM